How can I put a smile on my face for those that are experiencing so much of what I had once devoted my life to? I wonder how it's possible for me to smile on the outside yet feel so unhappy with jealousy in the inside. I sit back watching all that I had walked away from just months ago and see those who were able to pull through it all. I never thought I'd find something that would fulfill my life in the way that this career of choice had once over my life. Now I watch my friends, which some are family go through the emotions and ability that I swore I'd be at this point. It leaves me wondering, what have I done with my life? I'm a 30 year old woman with no career, and a bill for schooling that was full of hopes and dreams that were just tossed into the air like a deck of cards. My mind wonders how I'll ever find that career that I hope for... I'm a sufferer of a medical condition that ultimately would have me best placed behind a desk but those "careers" are made for those with a degree or some type of certification within a specific area... I've decided to pursue a certificate in Medical coding and while I have hopes to land a career within this field, I have fears also... Fears that failure will revisit my life so close to the end as it has prior times. I wonder, am I meant to be that SAHM who homeschools her child and focuses 99% of my priority on her future, or do I persist to become something more which ultimately could interfere with my daughter's successful path? Heck, I'm already about half way through what I consider my life. My thoughts are out of whack and I then think... "Mom, are you proud of who I've become?" I, of course, can not get that answer, but I wish I could somehow get that answered before my time is up. My father surely has a piss poor way of showing his awareness to what I've done with my life. I ended up speaking with him for a brief period of time the other day and it was just one of those "Hey Stranger." conversations and when he asked where I have been, I replied with "Well, I guess waiting for that phone call back that you promised me a month ago." The of course the same old excuse comes into play and it turns into cares and concerns about my Uncle who is apparently homeless, however has access to Twitter. He updated his profile in February, but well, no word since. I haven't spoken to him for nearly a year now. I've come to the conclusion that my family is fucked up beyond all recognition now a days. Everyone feeds off of other people's misery and then passes it onto people like myself, when in reality I'm not the stranger, I'm the outcast. I think I've walked away from so much because of how many people have walked out on me, yet expect me to be the one who keeps a tight-knit connection with everyone... Well guess what? I have grown up and to me if people can't realize that the communication works two ways then there's no point in putting all I've got into it myself. I'm tired of being that "link" to everyone. I've become so close to just walking away from so much as of late because it's all full of drama and when I see drama it's as though I dismiss myself so I don't have to have blame placed upon me. Because somehow I always become that person who's to blame. I've never understood how that's possible, if I'm not a part of the situation to begin with.
I know this entry is ALL over the place and my original thought turned into 4-5 different areas, but I've got so much going on that thinking "straight" isn't apparent at the moment. I've come to realize that I have changed in such drastic ways that it's almost as if I don't know who I am right now because of the differences. I've got to focus on my life and find that "path" that everyone feels they should have to be successful. It's kind of ironic that I get out of the teaching field only to become the coach and teacher to my daughter a few months later. It's almost odd to me that I walked away from that "path" to take this one.
Okay. Now that this entry is more jumbled I think I'll end here.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Uncertain of my future....
So here goes... As of late, I've realized just how unhappy I am with school. This is the first quarter that I've taken pre-required classes since Summer of last year. I was working toward my MA certificate along with my associates in an area I felt so sure about for so long. Then comes in the factors of health and crap that takes it away from me. Now, I'm onto wanting to teach, and well, these courses I'm taking feel so beyond my capabilities. Yes, this is coming from the girl who was pulling straight A's through Medical classes. However, these courses are not at all me. The only one that I enjoy is my English course, and that's mainly because I love writing.
This quarter I'm taking speech, English, and Sociology. Let me just tell you, aside from English, I hate every other class that I'm taking. Lets begin with Sociology...
Sociology looked like a fun enjoyable course until I began to see that my readings per week are 2-3 chapters of 30 pages per chapter. Then the homework and quizzes aren't multiple choice and while some of the questions have some relativity to that in which I read, there is so much material to comprehend that I have to go back into my book to reference them again to attempt to answer the questions being asked. Then, most questions that are being asked, ask me to read ANOTHER huge story and explain my feelings on that piece. While I love to read and write, these passages are so lengthy that if I read all of it at once, it takes me an hour just to read. Then again, the questions are after the passage and I have to reference the material that I just read so that I have some type of clarity as to what the answers should be. Then once I answer the questions, I somehow get them wrong, even though they are "What do you think....." and "How do you feel about....". I can't even begin to comprehend how feelings can be so wrong! It's one of those things, that while not multiple choice, they are still open ended questions with my views, not a right or wrong answer associated with them.
Now onto Speech. This class is HELL! I have an instructor who feels everything that I do is wrong. No matter the format I turn into her, even after she's told me what to fix, it's still NOT good enough. I've never in my life felt more at a loss when it comes to a class. I went to an open speech lab a few days ago and the instructor there was pleased with how I had everything written out and felt that everything was very informative. There were a few transitions that I did need to work on, but really, those are just a few words here and there between points being made. So I fix everything, deliver my speech there as my practice speech and the lady was pleased, and said to turn in what I had and I should be good to go to deliver my speech on Tuesday prior to my deadline. So, I figured out a few tweeks here and here and turned it into my professor. Yesterday I get an e-mail stating that it's sloppy, she can't follow it, the organization is out of whack, that I need to be more focused on how to deliver the speech and how all of what I wrote needs to be redone. WTF? I ended up looking at all of the suggestions she gave me, and honestly I can't find how to actually revamp my speech without actually redoing ALL of it. Then I reference some of my earlier work for this class and find that the information that she's suggesting I go by, she had told me previously that it was not what she wanted. Really?! I swear I want to go through the computer and just shake my papers in her face because somehow or another I'm messing up in ways that she finds to be repetitive, however, the papers and ideas I've given her on previous attempts she doesn't feel is good enough. So now I have to configure how the hell I'm going to memorize what I threw aside originally because of how ass backwards she as an instructor is!
English.... Well, again, I love English. However..... the students within that class are such slackers that I can't even get all of my assignments done because they're not handing theirs in on time. There are 8 people in my group (30+ in the class overall) and only ONE other person actually has written their essay 2, which was due on Friday... Mind you, we have to do peer reviews of TWO others, and here I am, sitting here waiting for someone to post in our group so that I can get credit for what I'm supposed to do.
Onto life outside of school..... School has me in such a stress ball state that I can barely see beyond it, but there is some greatness that pokes through to make me realize that school isn't the ONLY thing I have going on in my life...
The one thing I have realized is, I'm happy at my job. It's a job that really allows me to blow steam and kick ass while doing so. I have realized that my job is really what has defined me these past couple of weeks within school and past couple months in general. My boss is awesome! He's very pleased with my work and well, he should be considering how kick ass Claire and I (and sometimes D) are at doing the job. Columbus Dispatch is a place that I feel I may be able to work eventually as a full time employee, especially if I can get such a great reference from those who work inside, and aren't contracted. I'm a contracted employee and well, as of recently I've really gotten to know other people within the establishment and build a relationship with them. That's the first step in getting into an industry like the newspaper. I'm actually really happy there, and that's something I've not been able to say about a whole lot lately. I find more and more, this job is helping define who I am. Yes, I realize it's only part time, but really as D and I tallied up the total amount of time vs. the money, I'm making as much as D does hourly for my job. I work 20 hours a week at most and enjoy getting these routes knocked out. I got my first 2 day route money on Friday and lets just say, I was shocked by how much I cleared.
I honestly don't know where life will take me. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and the unhappiness levels within schooling has really made me think twice. I have found that my happiness has extended outside of school and I feel I'm finally able to enjoy that.
This week will really give me the definition I need to know what I'm going to do, school wise. I think with all of my midterms along with speeches and essays due, this will give me the answers I need so that I can pull out quietly, or go on with my plan of study.
While I love kids, and always will, I am still unsure of what my future holds for me. I hate feeling so undecided and unhappy when in reality, I should feel fresh, new and ready to conquer the world. I don't feel that way at all. I feel so lost.
I am so thankful that I have a husband who sees what I may try to hide from people. Yesterday I just broke down and he said he doesn't enjoy seeing me so stressed out and concerned about everything. While I attempt to hide that from everyone because I don't like to get into a slump, I am glad he can see through that, because otherwise no one would honestly see what's going on there in my head. He's been so supportive throughout this entire process, and I'm so thankful. He stated last night "You love your job, that's not something many people can say. You've got that part and that's a great thing." and he's right... there aren't many people who can say that, and for that I'm so thankful.
This quarter I'm taking speech, English, and Sociology. Let me just tell you, aside from English, I hate every other class that I'm taking. Lets begin with Sociology...
Sociology looked like a fun enjoyable course until I began to see that my readings per week are 2-3 chapters of 30 pages per chapter. Then the homework and quizzes aren't multiple choice and while some of the questions have some relativity to that in which I read, there is so much material to comprehend that I have to go back into my book to reference them again to attempt to answer the questions being asked. Then, most questions that are being asked, ask me to read ANOTHER huge story and explain my feelings on that piece. While I love to read and write, these passages are so lengthy that if I read all of it at once, it takes me an hour just to read. Then again, the questions are after the passage and I have to reference the material that I just read so that I have some type of clarity as to what the answers should be. Then once I answer the questions, I somehow get them wrong, even though they are "What do you think....." and "How do you feel about....". I can't even begin to comprehend how feelings can be so wrong! It's one of those things, that while not multiple choice, they are still open ended questions with my views, not a right or wrong answer associated with them.
Now onto Speech. This class is HELL! I have an instructor who feels everything that I do is wrong. No matter the format I turn into her, even after she's told me what to fix, it's still NOT good enough. I've never in my life felt more at a loss when it comes to a class. I went to an open speech lab a few days ago and the instructor there was pleased with how I had everything written out and felt that everything was very informative. There were a few transitions that I did need to work on, but really, those are just a few words here and there between points being made. So I fix everything, deliver my speech there as my practice speech and the lady was pleased, and said to turn in what I had and I should be good to go to deliver my speech on Tuesday prior to my deadline. So, I figured out a few tweeks here and here and turned it into my professor. Yesterday I get an e-mail stating that it's sloppy, she can't follow it, the organization is out of whack, that I need to be more focused on how to deliver the speech and how all of what I wrote needs to be redone. WTF? I ended up looking at all of the suggestions she gave me, and honestly I can't find how to actually revamp my speech without actually redoing ALL of it. Then I reference some of my earlier work for this class and find that the information that she's suggesting I go by, she had told me previously that it was not what she wanted. Really?! I swear I want to go through the computer and just shake my papers in her face because somehow or another I'm messing up in ways that she finds to be repetitive, however, the papers and ideas I've given her on previous attempts she doesn't feel is good enough. So now I have to configure how the hell I'm going to memorize what I threw aside originally because of how ass backwards she as an instructor is!
English.... Well, again, I love English. However..... the students within that class are such slackers that I can't even get all of my assignments done because they're not handing theirs in on time. There are 8 people in my group (30+ in the class overall) and only ONE other person actually has written their essay 2, which was due on Friday... Mind you, we have to do peer reviews of TWO others, and here I am, sitting here waiting for someone to post in our group so that I can get credit for what I'm supposed to do.
Onto life outside of school..... School has me in such a stress ball state that I can barely see beyond it, but there is some greatness that pokes through to make me realize that school isn't the ONLY thing I have going on in my life...
The one thing I have realized is, I'm happy at my job. It's a job that really allows me to blow steam and kick ass while doing so. I have realized that my job is really what has defined me these past couple of weeks within school and past couple months in general. My boss is awesome! He's very pleased with my work and well, he should be considering how kick ass Claire and I (and sometimes D) are at doing the job. Columbus Dispatch is a place that I feel I may be able to work eventually as a full time employee, especially if I can get such a great reference from those who work inside, and aren't contracted. I'm a contracted employee and well, as of recently I've really gotten to know other people within the establishment and build a relationship with them. That's the first step in getting into an industry like the newspaper. I'm actually really happy there, and that's something I've not been able to say about a whole lot lately. I find more and more, this job is helping define who I am. Yes, I realize it's only part time, but really as D and I tallied up the total amount of time vs. the money, I'm making as much as D does hourly for my job. I work 20 hours a week at most and enjoy getting these routes knocked out. I got my first 2 day route money on Friday and lets just say, I was shocked by how much I cleared.
I honestly don't know where life will take me. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and the unhappiness levels within schooling has really made me think twice. I have found that my happiness has extended outside of school and I feel I'm finally able to enjoy that.
This week will really give me the definition I need to know what I'm going to do, school wise. I think with all of my midterms along with speeches and essays due, this will give me the answers I need so that I can pull out quietly, or go on with my plan of study.
While I love kids, and always will, I am still unsure of what my future holds for me. I hate feeling so undecided and unhappy when in reality, I should feel fresh, new and ready to conquer the world. I don't feel that way at all. I feel so lost.
I am so thankful that I have a husband who sees what I may try to hide from people. Yesterday I just broke down and he said he doesn't enjoy seeing me so stressed out and concerned about everything. While I attempt to hide that from everyone because I don't like to get into a slump, I am glad he can see through that, because otherwise no one would honestly see what's going on there in my head. He's been so supportive throughout this entire process, and I'm so thankful. He stated last night "You love your job, that's not something many people can say. You've got that part and that's a great thing." and he's right... there aren't many people who can say that, and for that I'm so thankful.
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