Growing up and finding out who you are along the way can be quite eye opening. When you have the opportunity to reflect on how much time is spent on things that really take so MUCH of your time, you come to find out that you are neglecting so much that means everything to you.
I need to focus on what is really happening in my life, not all of the other things that I feel are making me less interested in the important things. Over the past several months, so many things have happened which have required immediate attention but instead of tending to them, I find myself escaping to a place that really makes everything that much harder. I know what I need to do, but when I have so many distractions, I "forget" to get the most important parts done.
I'm so busy with getting my name out there that I am already getting frustrated with particular problems that I should be able to help, but am too busy. Many days come and go when I feel unwanted, and there is quite the amount of uncertainties that float through my mind on a quite regular basis that would make one believe my depression is worse than ever before. However, I believe that much of what I'm dealing with has to do with growing up.
I've grown apart from so many people. While there are some people I could stop talking to for 6 months and then suddenly we both find time to talk to one another as if we hadn't ever taken time away from one another  at all. I guess those are the people I need to be around. The ones who can understand that I'm busy trying to improve my way of life are the ones who understand.
Then there is family... Family that every bit of conversation feels forced and unhealthy. When I speak to many of them it's as though I need to step up and make myself more "appealing" to them. Well, in my eyes I find that I'm just fine and I work my ass off on a regular basis to try and make ends meet. I have 4 1/2 months until my loans for school begin to get paid back and let me just say, I'm fkin stressed beyond belief. I can't stand around twiddling my thumbs hoping that my family will decide to return a phone call, or even answer their phone. I feel as though most of what I have to say to many in my family is negative and just a waste of breath. Why is it that for so long I was the family member that kept everyone together, but now it's impossible to even hold a conversation with my very own Father? I'm so bitter toward those who only speak to me when they want something. I hate when I'm being put in such a spot to help or give out information just so they can be that kind of person who doesn't do ANYTHING to make the effort visible to the people he always asks. Needless to say, I hate being the middle man!
With all that's been going on with Claire, it's been so hard to remain calm when certain things are done, or asked about. My way of wording things have been changed, the way to punish has been changed, and overall the household itself has been changed.
My job absolutely 150,000% sucks! I'm becoming ashamed to work there. I feel as though everything that happens there is a giant lie and everyone's setting one another up to fail. The team effort isn't there nearly as much as it should be. When we have as strong of a team as we do there, and can run a 1100$+ hour with 8 associates/managers, then we shouldn't have to sacrifice our hours because of new hires. Hiring people in at minimum wage is only going to flood our communication within the restaurants. When there are TOO many bodies in one place it because trash talk and quite a bit of misunderstandings.
I feel like I need to put my big girl pants on and get myself out there and show that one way or another I can kick some ass in ways others haven't shown but in another way I feel that when I show how strong I can be, the expectancy is that much greater and no compensation extra for doing it, either.
My field is something I crave! I honestly yearn to be around animals daily and on a positive way and hard way. I know there will be things that make it hard but I also know that there were be many things that make it so that I grow and understand things better. I graduate from everything on Thursday and personally I am so flippin' excited I can't even begin to explain it. I've worked so damn hard to get this far and now that I'm here, I want it to just be here already. I know that Thursday is just around the corner, but be damned if it doesn't feel really far away from now.
I know this post is all over the place, and I apologize for that. To sum everything up--People grow up and move on or don't grow up and are forever unhappy for sticking it out in their current situation. I say situation because in reality, you are placing yourself in that situation, and not letting your life be the journey it is meant to be.

Claire

So here's what's going on with Claire.... About 2 1/2 weeks ago, she was let out of school for the summer, all excited that she could finally enjoy some time at home w/out obligation to waking up all early on a M-F basis. However, something was weird when she came home on the last day of school and failed to give us her Report Card Final for the year to inform us whether or not she was going to be advanced to the next grade or if she was struggling and we'd hold her back. We asked her where it was and first she said she didn't get one. And I asked her if she had turned in her library books at school because most times they'll hold a report card if you don't pay for the book that wasn't returned. She said no, so I asked if she owed money for anything at all, and she again, said, no. So a couple of days go by and I couldn't believe that she didn't get one so we touched on the topic again and she explained that she wasn't happy with her grades and so she threw the report card in the trash. I explained to her that doing that doesn't help us know how she did and if she was promoted to 4th grade or again was struggling so we would keep her in the third grade the following year. I saw her grades posted on the school's website and so I took it upon myself to inform her of the grades she'd received and how good they were because in reality we didn't want her to be too hard on herself. Sure you want your child to be hard on themselves a bit, but not be so hard that everything around them seems to be doing better than they are.
As the summer has gone on, I had really wished I'd seen the last comments of how she was doing in the classroom, and what they'd like to see her improve on. This would allow me to assess any type of need during these summer months so that she can be comfortable with the issues she may or may not be having in certain subjects. For the past couple of weeks she's been showing signs of improvement, negative feeling wise, on herself, and it's been quite enjoyable and we just let the whole report card thing go so that we weren't so focused on being hard on her, making her believe that she needs to, in-turn, be hard on herself.
Today I come home to this in my mailbox:

I am SO mad right now that when I asked Claire about this, she just responded with "Yeah, that's why I didn't get my report card." OH MY GOD! I screamed on the top of my lungs with the loudest screech I think I could have ever let out. I don't know what to do. We're on a limited income and this may not seem like a lot to many people, but it is when you do NOT expect such a "bill" that you were never informed about prior to the bill being received. Claire took lunch to school every day and every morning she had breakfast before going to school and she never once told us that she was still hungry after breakfast, nor did she inform us that she had eaten a second lunch when she was still hungry at school. I think above all, I am hurt by her bad choices of practically stealing (because she's not paying for something that she obviously took), and lying to us (by not telling us what really happened with her report card.). I'm so bitter and hurt by this that I honestly feel she should be the one who pays back the money by doing things over the summer at her school to inform her that stealing doesn't come with a free sign, it comes from a place that eventually will catch up with you and you need to take responsibility for what has been taken (or eaten) w/out payment. 

I have e-mailed the woman who is in charge of this situation, as requested in the letter informing her of my thought process including her being the one who repays the school by cleaning or doing things there that may be able to be considered repayment. Because personally, it's not MY responsibility to pay for something that Claire legitimately did and knew she wasn't supposed to. She needs to step up and be the one who takes blame and responsibility for this obligation she chose to take part in.  Hopefully she'll get back to me on Monday but as indicated on the letter I received, their hours are practically the same as mine at work.

So we'll see. Hopefully I'll hear something shortly because honestly, we don't just have nearly $20 that doesn't go to bills or gas to get us to and from work which pays our bills.