Thoughts running rapid.

How can I put a smile on my face for those that are experiencing so much of what I had once devoted my life to? I wonder how it's possible for me to smile on the outside yet feel so unhappy with jealousy in the inside. I sit back watching all that I had walked away from just months ago and see those who were able to pull through it all. I never thought I'd find something that would fulfill my life in the way that this career of choice had once over my life. Now I watch my friends, which some are family go through the emotions and ability that I swore I'd be at this point. It leaves me wondering, what have I done with my life? I'm a 30 year old woman with no career, and a bill for schooling that was full of hopes and dreams that were just tossed into the air like a deck of cards. My mind wonders how I'll ever find that career that I hope for... I'm a sufferer of a medical condition that ultimately would have me best placed behind a desk but those "careers" are made for those with a degree or some type of certification within a specific area... I've decided to pursue a certificate in Medical coding and while I have hopes to land a career within this field, I have fears also... Fears that failure will revisit my life so close to the end as it has prior times. I wonder, am I meant to be that SAHM who homeschools her child and focuses 99% of my priority on her future, or do I persist to become something more which ultimately could interfere with my daughter's successful path? Heck, I'm already about half way through what I consider my life. My thoughts are out of whack and I then think... "Mom, are you proud of who I've become?" I, of course, can not get that answer, but I wish I could somehow get that answered before my time is up. My father surely has a piss poor way of showing his awareness to what I've done with my life. I ended up speaking with him for a brief period of time the other day and it was just one of those "Hey Stranger." conversations and when he asked where I have been, I replied with "Well, I guess waiting for that phone call back that you promised me a month ago." The of course the same old excuse comes into play and it turns into cares and concerns about my Uncle who is apparently homeless, however has access to Twitter. He updated his profile in February, but well, no word since. I haven't spoken to him for nearly a year now. I've come to the conclusion that my family is fucked up beyond all recognition now a days. Everyone feeds off of other people's misery and then passes it onto people like myself, when in reality I'm not the stranger, I'm the outcast. I think I've walked away from so much because of how many people have walked out on me, yet expect me to be the one who keeps a tight-knit connection with everyone... Well guess what? I have grown up and to me if people can't realize that the communication works two ways then there's no point in putting all I've got into it myself. I'm tired of being that "link" to everyone. I've become so close to just walking away from so much as of late because it's all full of drama and when I see drama it's as though I dismiss myself so I don't have to have blame placed upon me. Because somehow I always become that person who's to blame. I've never understood how that's possible, if I'm not a part of the situation to begin with.
I know this entry is ALL over the place and my original thought turned into 4-5 different areas, but I've got so much going on that thinking "straight" isn't apparent at the moment. I've come to realize that I have changed in such drastic ways that it's almost as if I don't know who I am right now because of the differences. I've got to focus on my life and find that "path" that everyone feels they should have to be successful. It's kind of ironic that I get out of the teaching field only to become the coach and teacher to my daughter a few months later. It's almost odd to me that I walked away from that "path" to take this one.
Okay. Now that this entry is more jumbled I think I'll end here.