So here goes... As of late, I've realized just how unhappy I am with school. This is the first quarter that I've taken pre-required classes since Summer of last year. I was working toward my MA certificate along with my associates in an area I felt so sure about for so long. Then comes in the factors of health and crap that takes it away from me. Now, I'm onto wanting to teach, and well, these courses I'm taking feel so beyond my capabilities. Yes, this is coming from the girl who was pulling straight A's through Medical classes. However, these courses are not at all me. The only one that I enjoy is my English course, and that's mainly because I love writing.
This quarter I'm taking speech, English, and Sociology. Let me just tell you, aside from English, I hate every other class that I'm taking. Lets begin with Sociology...
Sociology looked like a fun enjoyable course until I began to see that my readings per week are 2-3 chapters of 30 pages per chapter. Then the homework and quizzes aren't multiple choice and while some of the questions have some relativity to that in which I read, there is so much material to comprehend that I have to go back into my book to reference them again to attempt to answer the questions being asked. Then, most questions that are being asked, ask me to read ANOTHER huge story and explain my feelings on that piece. While I love to read and write, these passages are so lengthy that if I read all of it at once, it takes me an hour just to read. Then again, the questions are after the passage and I have to reference the material that I just read so that I have some type of clarity as to what the answers should be. Then once I answer the questions, I somehow get them wrong, even though they are "What do you think....." and "How do you feel about....". I can't even begin to comprehend how feelings can be so wrong! It's one of those things, that while not multiple choice, they are still open ended questions with my views, not a right or wrong answer associated with them.
Now onto Speech. This class is HELL! I have an instructor who feels everything that I do is wrong. No matter the format I turn into her, even after she's told me what to fix, it's still NOT good enough. I've never in my life felt more at a loss when it comes to a class. I went to an open speech lab a few days ago and the instructor there was pleased with how I had everything written out and felt that everything was very informative. There were a few transitions that I did need to work on, but really, those are just a few words here and there between points being made. So I fix everything, deliver my speech there as my practice speech and the lady was pleased, and said to turn in what I had and I should be good to go to deliver my speech on Tuesday prior to my deadline. So, I figured out a few tweeks here and here and turned it into my professor. Yesterday I get an e-mail stating that it's sloppy, she can't follow it, the organization is out of whack, that I need to be more focused on how to deliver the speech and how all of what I wrote needs to be redone. WTF? I ended up looking at all of the suggestions she gave me, and honestly I can't find how to actually revamp my speech without actually redoing ALL of it. Then I reference some of my earlier work for this class and find that the information that she's suggesting I go by, she had told me previously that it was not what she wanted. Really?! I swear I want to go through the computer and just shake my papers in her face because somehow or another I'm messing up in ways that she finds to be repetitive, however, the papers and ideas I've given her on previous attempts she doesn't feel is good enough. So now I have to configure how the hell I'm going to memorize what I threw aside originally because of how ass backwards she as an instructor is!
English.... Well, again, I love English. However..... the students within that class are such slackers that I can't even get all of my assignments done because they're not handing theirs in on time. There are 8 people in my group (30+ in the class overall) and only ONE other person actually has written their essay 2, which was due on Friday... Mind you, we have to do peer reviews of TWO others, and here I am, sitting here waiting for someone to post in our group so that I can get credit for what I'm supposed to do.
Onto life outside of school..... School has me in such a stress ball state that I can barely see beyond it, but there is some greatness that pokes through to make me realize that school isn't the ONLY thing I have going on in my life...
The one thing I have realized is, I'm happy at my job. It's a job that really allows me to blow steam and kick ass while doing so. I have realized that my job is really what has defined me these past couple of weeks within school and past couple months in general. My boss is awesome! He's very pleased with my work and well, he should be considering how kick ass Claire and I (and sometimes D) are at doing the job. Columbus Dispatch is a place that I feel I may be able to work eventually as a full time employee, especially if I can get such a great reference from those who work inside, and aren't contracted. I'm a contracted employee and well, as of recently I've really gotten to know other people within the establishment and build a relationship with them. That's the first step in getting into an industry like the newspaper. I'm actually really happy there, and that's something I've not been able to say about a whole lot lately. I find more and more, this job is helping define who I am. Yes, I realize it's only part time, but really as D and I tallied up the total amount of time vs. the money, I'm making as much as D does hourly for my job. I work 20 hours a week at most and enjoy getting these routes knocked out. I got my first 2 day route money on Friday and lets just say, I was shocked by how much I cleared.
I honestly don't know where life will take me. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and the unhappiness levels within schooling has really made me think twice. I have found that my happiness has extended outside of school and I feel I'm finally able to enjoy that.
This week will really give me the definition I need to know what I'm going to do, school wise. I think with all of my midterms along with speeches and essays due, this will give me the answers I need so that I can pull out quietly, or go on with my plan of study.
While I love kids, and always will, I am still unsure of what my future holds for me. I hate feeling so undecided and unhappy when in reality, I should feel fresh, new and ready to conquer the world. I don't feel that way at all. I feel so lost.
I am so thankful that I have a husband who sees what I may try to hide from people. Yesterday I just broke down and he said he doesn't enjoy seeing me so stressed out and concerned about everything. While I attempt to hide that from everyone because I don't like to get into a slump, I am glad he can see through that, because otherwise no one would honestly see what's going on there in my head. He's been so supportive throughout this entire process, and I'm so thankful. He stated last night "You love your job, that's not something many people can say. You've got that part and that's a great thing." and he's right... there aren't many people who can say that, and for that I'm so thankful.
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