General

Even when I'm upset in such a way that I cannot get words together to explain the exact words together, I look to my animals and they make me smile. Their goofiness, happiness, unconditional love, and presence makes me smile not only on the outside, but in my heart as well. Trust me, there are many days when I feel like I just need to take a breather, some time away from all of the craziness that had happened earlier that day, or any other days past.
I have no idea what I'd do without my pets. Heck, all and all, I don't know where I'd be without animals in general. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I loved animals in a way that I could never love a human. The fact that animals don't lie, cheat, steal (unless they're being naughty), or make you feel worse by their presence, is amazing.

I know I'm in the right line of work, because working with animals makes me so thankful to come home to my own animals. I won't lie, there are some really rough days when I feel drained for situations which are of course out of my control, at work. Seeing pets daily who suffer from primary epilepsy along with so many other seizure and pain related problems opens my eyes to how lucky I am to have my girls waiting for me at home. Working in the veterinary field, as closely as I do, can either make you or break you. Thankfully, for me, it's making me into a stronger person. However, for some, it's not that simple.
Psychological Stress and Veterinarians
Veterinary care is not for everyone, that's for sure. This field gives you so many mixed emotions throughout the day. Coming home and being asked how my day was, is definitely hard to sort the good and bad. Thankfully, even though I had no idea that it was possible, the good outweighs the bad. At least for me that is. Many people can't see the positive through the euthanasia's, seizures, lack of brain, and so many other sad points. As for me, I look at the factors as to what can be done, or what cannot be done. There are treatment plans for such sad cases. Some of which are quite expensive, but then others that may be temporary fixes, at least usually the owner has an option to what the next step is and at that point, may or may not have the ability to spend some extra time with them. It's crazy just how much money people will put into their pets. Those who don't even have the ability to pay much, still come in out of concern and worry. While consults aren't exactly the most affordable, it does give a peace of mind to know what the next steps can be.

My knowledge grows by the day with my field. I have so many great people who help me with understanding the specific area of Neurology.
All and all, in the end, I couldn't be happier with where I am in life. I'm so happy with all that surrounds me. Through the tough times, the other times feel like they weren't so bad after all.

Update

It's been a while since I last wrote. Things were quite chaotic within the last post, so I'm going to do a follow up on what our lives have become in the past few months.
Things have changed in a drastic way for our family. Depression is being managed by medication and counseling. The counseling has shown much improvement overall. We've been able to be open with one another now more than ever. Communication is much better than suppressing the feelings inside. It's incredible how much one person can seem so calm, cool, and collective, yet their insides are screaming. Depression when not treated, is suicide in the waiting.
As for an overall for our family, things have improved in such a way that was never imaginable. Claire has finally felt comfortable to speak and ask for help from her father. This is a huge step because most times Claire avoided him because he was never approachable before.
My work is going very well. I love who I work for/with and what I do. I've never been happier than I am now in a "job". This is a career path I know I work best in. Working in Neurology has broadened my knowledge within my field and the people I work with have been incredibly supportive and informative. I love my direct department manager. Words can not explain just how amazing I feel regarding my work....and home life. Things are so much better than they've ever been for me.
Claire is struggling with school this year. She's working hard right now to try and make up for her lack of ability in certain classes, but we're unsure if she'll be able to move forward at this point. We have her enrolled in tutoring 2 times a week to help with understanding material she's struggling most with. Claire has been having a rough year because her best friend moved out of the county and is not too close to us for visiting regularly. Plus there were some additional emotions which she had to experience which she had never felt before, which made it even more difficult to handle. This year in school really has her thrown for a loop.
Hubby is back in school. He's completing his degree and should be done by spring of next year. Perhaps earlier, depending on the ability to take additional classes. He's happy, stable minded, and has learned how to love life a bit more than ever before.
I am looking into furthering my education, but haven't dedicated myself to it entirely, yet. Right now I'm shopping around per say to find the right time and path. I'm looking into furthering my abilities within the Veterinary field. There is no other place I'd ever rather be, field wise. I would like to expand my knowledge so that IF we were to move, I'd be able to get a job easier.
Family means everything to me right now. I'm so thankful that I've had my Dad's support in everything that's gone on in the past because that helps everyone in my family. Dad even drove out to my house and stayed with us for 5 days over Christmas break and got to enjoy Christmas with us. Words cannot express just how much my Dad's visiting meant to us. It was the first Christmas I had spent with my dad since I was a very young child. It meant so much!
I'm very disappointed with how many people have walked away from me. I am surprised that those who've claimed to love me for so long, took a 1 way ticket away from my family without knowing/understanding the flip side of the story. Just because I'm being ignored and pushed away, doesn't mean that I don't think of you all often. When something major happened in the lives of those who've walked away from me, I was there. I listened to everything, all sides, and gave a chance that'd be equal to or more than what has gone on, on my end. Not only did you all walk away from me, but you walked away from my daughter, and my husband. Giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes will show you just how much you can open up.
Smile when you can, love who you can, be who you are, never judge until you understand the entire situation.

Blind

Understanding those who hurting without saying a word

The house of mine has been extremely crazy and many unfortunate acts have been made/attempted. Motive of this is my own home life and all of which is the most important. Until being able to see the pain and distress one is dealing with, judging is unacceptable. 

I have been in a similar boat, feeling like no one cares, no one wants to be around you, distance is the hardest factor knowing there is family so far away, pushing people away in a very negative way, and isolating yourself from everyone, so planning on ones departure from others lives makes one feel like walking away is the best option. Choosing to commit self destruction means that ones given up on not only everyone who's loved them, but also oneself. 

A cry out for help can be in many different ways. If not for a friend of mine jumping on my crying out, I would likely not be here. People tend to think it's a coward move, it's selfish, and it's full of excuses. My heart aches for those who suffer with depression, have self destructing thoughts, and feel alone. I understand it, because I've been there and felt like I had no one at a point too.

Before the situation at hand occurred the past few years have been rather difficult. Between the car accident, tight finances, school schedules meshing with work schedules, being a parent, and trying to have SOME time for family/friends.  Unhappiness was all over the home. We would avoid each other in our own home along with lack of communication through everything.
The pushing away was a way to feel less wanted, therefore less missed once gone. Many people I've spoken to about this has stated that it's just a cop-out, a way to be a coward. Though those who say that do not understand the entire "story" that actually happened. Everyone needs to understand, I was just like those who believe that he was a coward.
After seeing him behind plexi-glass and watching him pass out from what is now being discovered as a heart condition my mind went hay-wire. I felt like I was helpless, I screamed for help, yelling on the top of my lungs, "Medic, Someone, Anyone, Man Down!!!!" and finally the two officers who were the ones who got him there in the first place came over. He wasn't responding and they called code blue and a medical team ran over. What felt like 30 seconds and 1hr all in one moment, he was able to stand up and was carted away by the medic team. I wasn't told to leave, but I assumed there was no other choice, being the situation.
Once I walked away, sobbing like no one could ever imagine, I went to my car and called the one primary person who has been my rock throughout all of this. While talking with her, she was never biased upon anyone specific or the situation in general.
There were many LONG drawn out moments wondering, crying, thinking, fearing the worst. I left work early one day and finally answered the phone from this unknown TX area, and low and behold, it was him, on the other end. It stated he only had 1 minute of talk time and that once the minute was up there would be no warning. Once they connected us, he said he called because he wanted to let me know that he was okay--he explained the situation as quickly as possible, and from that point, I understood what it was like to deal with jail and how they operate. I wasn't given any type of numbers when he was carted off, nor was I told he'd be able to call. I knew nothing. Once the conversation ended it gave me the opportunity to add minutes to his talk time and I rushed to do so, so that I could find out more about this situation that I had only heard one side of.
We talked for a few nights, trying to figure out what we as individuals were going to do, and us as a family as well. While many may call me stupid, dependent, irresponsible, and too trusting of a person, I stand to say, until you're in the situation, you can't judge honestly until you've been in their shoes. There were many people who told me I wasn't doing what was right for ANYONE involved. But, again, unless you've been there, the feelings would never be understood to the extent ours are.
When you're able to put all things aside to listen to that person you've spent 15 years with who has done something unimaginable to you, that's when you realize just how deep the love goes. There is stupid shit done EVERYDAY in this world, and honestly I cannot begin to explain just how hard it is to walk away from someone that you know has another part to why this happened in the first place. I've known him for nearly 1/2 of my life, and loved him for nearly as long. I trust him, as much as I can any man, and the way all of this went down was beyond any words.
I've always been the one who has seen the better side of people. I took psychology and really was able to apply that in this situation. I also had gone through all of the stages. Once I was able to talk to him, I could tell that what he was saying was honest. I was able to know when things weren't going well, but brushed it off, for the times that it seemed little. Other times, I suppose I was harsh about it and demanded some type of answers or understanding as to why things were going sour.
He's always been a damn good father. He never made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and tried to answer questions even when he knew it was just to start a conversation that he may not have wanted to have. Then again, even she knew something was off. He wasn't acting himself, he was hiding, sleeping, blind to the fact that she was there. He said that was so she wouldn't miss him, since he's already acting as though he's not here anyhow. As years progress forward I always tried to get him more involved with spending time with her because here soon she isn't going to want much to do with us. She's nearing those teen years and  us girls know how we can get near that time.
Moral of all of this is, if you don't see all sides of the situation, you don't understand what it's like to be within the situation itself. Pushing people away who've been there through your questionable decisions, makes one a hypocrite. If you want to push them away after getting fully aware then that's a choice.
I love my husband, my daughter, and the family of both his and mine who've chosen to stick by, not just me, but him too. He needs to know that people are there for him, especially through this hard time. He's not taking anything for granted anymore. He's seen what a mistake he's made and is so thankful to have had the chance to explain the situation much more openly than it would have been if I didn't visit, give him time to talk, and talk with his family. I've seen a huge change in the man he is, he's become the man I fell in love with, and even better than that now. His heart is open, as is his mind, allowing us to know if he has a dark moment that sets him back. This is a huge step from where we were months or even years ago. His once thought of as his life, is now considered our lives.
He no longer works for his place of employment of 14 years. Neither of us are bitter by this. He's at peace with everything that's to come his way. He was very unhappy with his employment. He felt trapped, non-successful, and just overall discouraged by any possibilities which may have included moving up in the company. He's happier now than he's been for as long as he can remember. The burden of his job made him dread being there. There are many reasons why he didn't leave on his own, before all of this came known, but he had no motivation to get out. Yes, there will be quite the section of his experience which will be null to employers, but right at this moment, that's not a concern we have.
We have some more time until things surface, if at all, and once that occurs, we will figure our lives out, together, as one family. We are just moving forward in the best way we can, and we're making the most of every moment.
As of this moment, a lawyer has been hired and will represent him. His brother stepped up and paid the bill on that one, thankfully. Things are stable right now. We're making due with what we can and are a much happier family than we were months ago. His Mom and brother have been so helpful and done so much more than I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to them for supporting him while everything is still so difficult to sort through. Everyone who has stepped up and looked past the beginning of this madness, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful.
That support has made us investigate where we want our lives to continue to grow and has shown just how powerful it can be once in or out of the equation.
If anyone wants to look at me in a different way then more power to you, but one day I hope you open your eyes and understand certain circumstances can place them in a very dark, unnoticed place. You may even associate yourself with them daily, and just don't know them outside of that comfort they show upon their face to you. Needless to say, there are dark, unhappy, unsettling things going through everyone's head at one time or another, but it's the moment that they reveal it that'd show if you can look past it and still talk to them. To each their own. Everyone's entitled to their own choice. I will say if you can't support my decision and know that my decision is made upon my love for myself, my daughter, and my pets, then feel free to stay away.
Everyone is entitled to a screw up in their life. It's just a matter of moving forward and bettering yourself from the situation that got you there.

Thoughts

I rub my scars every night, at least the ones I can rub scar cream onto visible to the naked eye. I can't rub any type of fading cream onto my heart, where it hurts the most. The pain that has been kept hiding in my heart due to your negligence only reveals itself when my eyes when I've relived the moment you took my mobility away. While I see so many others living their lives to their potential, I'm still on recovery leave from work, which cause my thoughts to wander to places that allow me to think of all that led up to this mess. I still have talks with my daughter in regards to the accident. There are many moments I do not remember. From the impact, to the time I heard her scream in the back seat. I know I blacked out from the hit and while it was brief, the fact that it happened at all, is what makes me so unsettled. You gave me a reality check for what driving while impaired could cause to another being. When I awoke from what happened, I couldn't help but feel perhaps it was a fault of my own, not someone else's negligence. I feared that the individual whom hit me was one who actually may have had a health condition. I then was just thankful that you hit me and gave someone else a break from what could have been much much worse for them. Your negligence could have became fatal and then what? You would then be faced with murder charges for your negligence. But, now that you are awake from the accident, you're living your life to the fullest. You're engaged to a girl who loves you despite the problems you have caused others. You've got yourself either a very trusting and loving fiance, or someone who is just dumb. You injured not just another driver, but a child who has never felt more afraid to be in a vehicle than she does now. Our hearts ache everyday when we think about all of the problems you've caused us. Maybe one day you'll wake up, have children, and even be responsible and at that point perhaps you'll understand what it is like to hear a child scream due to someone harming him/her with/without intention. Because, even though it was not your intention to hurt someone that night, you got behind the wheel and allowed yourself to drive while intoxicated. It was a choice that was made and now for the rest of my life I will and my daughter will have that awful moment of terror to remember because it'll be present in our daily activities. You chose to hurt someone, anyone, and the ones you hurt were some of the most responsible individuals. Maybe that is why you were meant to hit us. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I feel this happened for a reason... While I feel that way, it doesn't excuse your behavior.
There is a 12 year old in my house who feels you should be locked up, which I must say, I completely agree. That 12 year old is my daughter and she hurts everyday because of how irresponsible you were that day. My daughter cries a minimum of 2 times a week remembering the accident and how it affected her and I. With your negligence you may have prevented my daughter to ever drink and drive and go home after having 1 too many. Aside from that... you are worthless in her eyes.
We will never forgive your actions because you directly hurt us. In addition to that we'll remember what we can of your poor choice because we're reminded of this all of the time. I'm terrified behind the wheel now, whether being a driver or a passenger in a vehicle. I find myself tense up more than ever before since this accident. You have caused distress for us.
It's sad that my 12 year old daughter has better judgement than a grown "man".

Doctors appointments

So much has been going on for my health as of late. For the past several months I have been dealing with shakiness which I brought up to my case nurse while discussing the issues which came upon with the accident. My case nurse wanted to make sure I got myself into my physician prior to my Neurosurgeon's appointment so I could figure out what has been going on prior to our next discussion which is after every Neurosurgeon's appointment. So I set a physical up to make sure that I was healthy and that the shakiness wasn't something that may involve diabetes, which runs in my family. My family doctor blood tested me for all of the normal plus Lupus to see where I was with my ANA blood cells. With being in remission, it's something that's never truly gone out of my mind and I have been dealing with many symptoms as I had in the past when I was diagnosed with it 6 years ago. I also got an EKG to make sure I'm not in need of a cardiologist as I had been referred to one previously due to having a rapid heart rate. I was given a referral to a Rheumatologist to monitor my Fibromyalgia because I'm at the max for my medications. The issue with that is that the medication isn't helping as it should be. The problems are that my pain levels are increasing yet my threshold has begun to become less by the day. I worried that it may come to this, but wanted so badly to believe that it's just the sudden weather changes is leaving me more uncomfortable.
Two days after the blood work was ran, I received a phone call stating that I have tested positive for Lupus. However, all of the other blood tests came back great. I was advised to keep my Rheumatology appointment, which is in October, to go to the proper care needed to maintain my health properly. My heart fell to the floor. I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I was informed. Tears began to stream down my face in disbelief. After much research I found that trauma can be to blame for systemic trigger. Very informative article. The reasoning behind the trigger of Lupus for me can be led to the accident. Just something else to put on my plate in my state of mind.
Monday I had my Neurosurgeon appointment and while the progress has been great, it still is far from where it needs to be. My hand looks great. The bones have fused so the pain has minimized and therefore my doctor is thrilled about that... My foot on the other hand has been quite the challenge. My foot is still swollen, sore, and irritating regularly. From the beginning I was told that it could take a year for the swelling to subside, and this appointment confirmed that. I am surprised he didn't yell at me for all that I've been doing. Thankfully he kept his thoughts to a minimal and told me to make an appointment for November. He wanted to see me a year from the accident to make sure I don't need surgery again to get the screws out.
Yes, another surgery may be in my future, just like Claire. Claire's next surgery is going to be August 5 to get the bridge out. Her recovery time is to be 2 weeks. This will allow her to recover prior to going back to school. Claire is actually looking forward to getting the bridge out so she can move past this entire situation.
So all this shit is going on and it all correlates with this damn accident. Yet, the individual who hit us is back to normal. He's not engaged, has a job at a gym which he works out at quite regularly, has been on vacations to Fl with his parents and siblings.  It's incredible how he's back to his life, yet we're suffering daily. It truly makes me ill that someone who chose to be irresponsible is better off than Claire or I are.
Frustration to the max has begun.

Public Schools

There comes a point in ones life where you can't help but wonder wtf is going on in our school system. I have a child who has been outcasted and picked on for being structured inand out of the home. Claire has had so many problems in every school she has gone to. These past few days have made for some awful comments from fellow students.
Let me just put this out there right now-- I do not always believe my daughter is in the right. In fact, I make sure she's aware of those less fortunate so she doesn't believeeverything is handed out without reasoning or cost. I always inform her that other people have it worse than us. I believe D and I have made sure that she understand others come from broken homes, some parents cannot provide food to their children and sometimes kids only get the meals that their school provides in the AM and for lunch. I always tell her how lucky she is to have both parents are together, all that is hers, is hers to keep, and not to fight over with siblings, and she has her own pets who love her. Many children cannot say the same. I also let her know when she is wrong, she is given punishments for poor choices, and she is listened to but also if word usage is wrong, she is corrected. While that last one may not seem too much of an ordeal, in order for her to speak and write proper, she needs to be corrected.
Now onto the problems she is having. Clairr came home on Thursday and informed us that she was sent to peak. D and I asked why and her response was:
"I argued with a teacher, spoke out of turn, and yelled out at another student."  I told her that those actions were unacceptable and I asked why. She continued and said :
"A classmate called me a bastard. I yelled out of turn because I yelled out what did you just call me?"
I gasped in disbelief and was thankful that Claire told me about this happening but was shocked that Claire said that word and it was because she was unaware of the meaning behind that word. I disregarded the action of being sent to peak and just moved forward.
Friday I was at work and received a phone call on my cell phone, which I only check maybe twice during my shift and it is in my cubby. I called D and asked him why Claire's school had called and I was informed that the school was concerned for her well being. D went down to her school and talked with her teacher and guidance counselor. Claire was being picked on at recess, getting punched in her ribs by one girl and Claire made sure she blocked as many punches as she could. Then the child did manage to hit her ribs, called her a bitch and an mf'er then followed that by "I wish you were dead!" Another girl came around the area of the altercation and said the same thing. Finally a child decided to help Claire by flagging down a on duty teacher who was supposed to be monitoring the outdoor activity. Claire then stated that she had thought of hurting herself because of how uncaring they are to her. She feels like she is outnumbered and uncared for.
When this was expressed, the staff was shedding concern for Claire but quickly retreated to stating Claire should be in counseling to have the feeling of hurting herself and that Claire will be talking with her guidance counselor during her lunch period once to twice a week. While I am glad she can have someone to talk to while in school, this would likely be obsolete if the staff would have held their end of the bargin up when they moved her into fifth grade. What was supposed to happen was she would have lunch with the counselor while being able to have an open conversation about how things are going for her and the problems she had and they'd be addressed. So here we are again... Bullying is a type of action that harms children.
Claire is a damn good kid, and honestly I'm about fed up with all of the bullshit that Claire is dealt so regularly. I can't get over how awful school has become. It is awful of this was handled. The children who did the bullying and threats were defended. The staff told Claire she was lucky because the children who are expressing harm are the ones who have no one caring about them. While I agree with Claire being lucky, I am being fed the bullshit of the children's actions are blamed for a childs actions. When children are at thks age group, they are capable of making their own decisions. While I agree that some of the choices are unrealistic, this age knows right from wrong.
What is aggravating for me is this:
Claire is in fear at school because of these girls who seem to get worse by the day.
Kids seem to be so hurtful to one another and its quite bothersome. The severity continues to worsen.
The way to resolve the problems with the children who've messed with her, per the school is to avoid them. Because that is so simple for a child who sits near the problem and threats are becoming severe. .....not!

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