Understanding those who hurting without saying a word
The house of mine has been extremely crazy and many unfortunate acts have been made/attempted. Motive of this is my own home life and all of which is the most important. Until being able to see the pain and distress one is dealing with, judging is unacceptable.
I have been in a similar boat, feeling like no one cares, no one wants to be around you, distance is the hardest factor knowing there is family so far away, pushing people away in a very negative way, and isolating yourself from everyone, so planning on ones departure from others lives makes one feel like walking away is the best option. Choosing to commit self destruction means that ones given up on not only everyone who's loved them, but also oneself.
A cry out for help can be in many different ways. If not for a friend of mine jumping on my crying out, I would likely not be here. People tend to think it's a coward move, it's selfish, and it's full of excuses. My heart aches for those who suffer with depression, have self destructing thoughts, and feel alone. I understand it, because I've been there and felt like I had no one at a point too.
Before the situation at hand occurred the past few years have been rather difficult. Between the car accident, tight finances, school schedules meshing with work schedules, being a parent, and trying to have SOME time for family/friends. Unhappiness was all over the home. We would avoid each other in our own home along with lack of communication through everything.
The pushing away was a way to feel less wanted, therefore less missed once gone. Many people I've spoken to about this has stated that it's just a cop-out, a way to be a coward. Though those who say that do not understand the entire "story" that actually happened. Everyone needs to understand, I was just like those who believe that he was a coward.
After seeing him behind plexi-glass and watching him pass out from what is now being discovered as a heart condition my mind went hay-wire. I felt like I was helpless, I screamed for help, yelling on the top of my lungs, "Medic, Someone, Anyone, Man Down!!!!" and finally the two officers who were the ones who got him there in the first place came over. He wasn't responding and they called code blue and a medical team ran over. What felt like 30 seconds and 1hr all in one moment, he was able to stand up and was carted away by the medic team. I wasn't told to leave, but I assumed there was no other choice, being the situation.
Once I walked away, sobbing like no one could ever imagine, I went to my car and called the one primary person who has been my rock throughout all of this. While talking with her, she was never biased upon anyone specific or the situation in general.
There were many LONG drawn out moments wondering, crying, thinking, fearing the worst. I left work early one day and finally answered the phone from this unknown TX area, and low and behold, it was him, on the other end. It stated he only had 1 minute of talk time and that once the minute was up there would be no warning. Once they connected us, he said he called because he wanted to let me know that he was okay--he explained the situation as quickly as possible, and from that point, I understood what it was like to deal with jail and how they operate. I wasn't given any type of numbers when he was carted off, nor was I told he'd be able to call. I knew nothing. Once the conversation ended it gave me the opportunity to add minutes to his talk time and I rushed to do so, so that I could find out more about this situation that I had only heard one side of.
We talked for a few nights, trying to figure out what we as individuals were going to do, and us as a family as well. While many may call me stupid, dependent, irresponsible, and too trusting of a person, I stand to say, until you're in the situation, you can't judge honestly until you've been in their shoes. There were many people who told me I wasn't doing what was right for ANYONE involved. But, again, unless you've been there, the feelings would never be understood to the extent ours are.
When you're able to put all things aside to listen to that person you've spent 15 years with who has done something unimaginable to you, that's when you realize just how deep the love goes. There is stupid shit done EVERYDAY in this world, and honestly I cannot begin to explain just how hard it is to walk away from someone that you know has another part to why this happened in the first place. I've known him for nearly 1/2 of my life, and loved him for nearly as long. I trust him, as much as I can any man, and the way all of this went down was beyond any words.
I've always been the one who has seen the better side of people. I took psychology and really was able to apply that in this situation. I also had gone through all of the stages. Once I was able to talk to him, I could tell that what he was saying was honest. I was able to know when things weren't going well, but brushed it off, for the times that it seemed little. Other times, I suppose I was harsh about it and demanded some type of answers or understanding as to why things were going sour.
He's always been a damn good father. He never made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and tried to answer questions even when he knew it was just to start a conversation that he may not have wanted to have. Then again, even she knew something was off. He wasn't acting himself, he was hiding, sleeping, blind to the fact that she was there. He said that was so she wouldn't miss him, since he's already acting as though he's not here anyhow. As years progress forward I always tried to get him more involved with spending time with her because here soon she isn't going to want much to do with us. She's nearing those teen years and us girls know how we can get near that time.
Moral of all of this is, if you don't see all sides of the situation, you don't understand what it's like to be within the situation itself. Pushing people away who've been there through your questionable decisions, makes one a hypocrite. If you want to push them away after getting fully aware then that's a choice.
I love my husband, my daughter, and the family of both his and mine who've chosen to stick by, not just me, but him too. He needs to know that people are there for him, especially through this hard time. He's not taking anything for granted anymore. He's seen what a mistake he's made and is so thankful to have had the chance to explain the situation much more openly than it would have been if I didn't visit, give him time to talk, and talk with his family. I've seen a huge change in the man he is, he's become the man I fell in love with, and even better than that now. His heart is open, as is his mind, allowing us to know if he has a dark moment that sets him back. This is a huge step from where we were months or even years ago. His once thought of as his life, is now considered our lives.
He no longer works for his place of employment of 14 years. Neither of us are bitter by this. He's at peace with everything that's to come his way. He was very unhappy with his employment. He felt trapped, non-successful, and just overall discouraged by any possibilities which may have included moving up in the company. He's happier now than he's been for as long as he can remember. The burden of his job made him dread being there. There are many reasons why he didn't leave on his own, before all of this came known, but he had no motivation to get out. Yes, there will be quite the section of his experience which will be null to employers, but right at this moment, that's not a concern we have.
We have some more time until things surface, if at all, and once that occurs, we will figure our lives out, together, as one family. We are just moving forward in the best way we can, and we're making the most of every moment.
As of this moment, a lawyer has been hired and will represent him. His brother stepped up and paid the bill on that one, thankfully. Things are stable right now. We're making due with what we can and are a much happier family than we were months ago. His Mom and brother have been so helpful and done so much more than I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to them for supporting him while everything is still so difficult to sort through. Everyone who has stepped up and looked past the beginning of this madness, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful.
That support has made us investigate where we want our lives to continue to grow and has shown just how powerful it can be once in or out of the equation.
If anyone wants to look at me in a different way then more power to you, but one day I hope you open your eyes and understand certain circumstances can place them in a very dark, unnoticed place. You may even associate yourself with them daily, and just don't know them outside of that comfort they show upon their face to you. Needless to say, there are dark, unhappy, unsettling things going through everyone's head at one time or another, but it's the moment that they reveal it that'd show if you can look past it and still talk to them. To each their own. Everyone's entitled to their own choice. I will say if you can't support my decision and know that my decision is made upon my love for myself, my daughter, and my pets, then feel free to stay away.
Everyone is entitled to a screw up in their life. It's just a matter of moving forward and bettering yourself from the situation that got you there.
The pushing away was a way to feel less wanted, therefore less missed once gone. Many people I've spoken to about this has stated that it's just a cop-out, a way to be a coward. Though those who say that do not understand the entire "story" that actually happened. Everyone needs to understand, I was just like those who believe that he was a coward.
After seeing him behind plexi-glass and watching him pass out from what is now being discovered as a heart condition my mind went hay-wire. I felt like I was helpless, I screamed for help, yelling on the top of my lungs, "Medic, Someone, Anyone, Man Down!!!!" and finally the two officers who were the ones who got him there in the first place came over. He wasn't responding and they called code blue and a medical team ran over. What felt like 30 seconds and 1hr all in one moment, he was able to stand up and was carted away by the medic team. I wasn't told to leave, but I assumed there was no other choice, being the situation.
Once I walked away, sobbing like no one could ever imagine, I went to my car and called the one primary person who has been my rock throughout all of this. While talking with her, she was never biased upon anyone specific or the situation in general.
There were many LONG drawn out moments wondering, crying, thinking, fearing the worst. I left work early one day and finally answered the phone from this unknown TX area, and low and behold, it was him, on the other end. It stated he only had 1 minute of talk time and that once the minute was up there would be no warning. Once they connected us, he said he called because he wanted to let me know that he was okay--he explained the situation as quickly as possible, and from that point, I understood what it was like to deal with jail and how they operate. I wasn't given any type of numbers when he was carted off, nor was I told he'd be able to call. I knew nothing. Once the conversation ended it gave me the opportunity to add minutes to his talk time and I rushed to do so, so that I could find out more about this situation that I had only heard one side of.
We talked for a few nights, trying to figure out what we as individuals were going to do, and us as a family as well. While many may call me stupid, dependent, irresponsible, and too trusting of a person, I stand to say, until you're in the situation, you can't judge honestly until you've been in their shoes. There were many people who told me I wasn't doing what was right for ANYONE involved. But, again, unless you've been there, the feelings would never be understood to the extent ours are.
When you're able to put all things aside to listen to that person you've spent 15 years with who has done something unimaginable to you, that's when you realize just how deep the love goes. There is stupid shit done EVERYDAY in this world, and honestly I cannot begin to explain just how hard it is to walk away from someone that you know has another part to why this happened in the first place. I've known him for nearly 1/2 of my life, and loved him for nearly as long. I trust him, as much as I can any man, and the way all of this went down was beyond any words.
I've always been the one who has seen the better side of people. I took psychology and really was able to apply that in this situation. I also had gone through all of the stages. Once I was able to talk to him, I could tell that what he was saying was honest. I was able to know when things weren't going well, but brushed it off, for the times that it seemed little. Other times, I suppose I was harsh about it and demanded some type of answers or understanding as to why things were going sour.
He's always been a damn good father. He never made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and tried to answer questions even when he knew it was just to start a conversation that he may not have wanted to have. Then again, even she knew something was off. He wasn't acting himself, he was hiding, sleeping, blind to the fact that she was there. He said that was so she wouldn't miss him, since he's already acting as though he's not here anyhow. As years progress forward I always tried to get him more involved with spending time with her because here soon she isn't going to want much to do with us. She's nearing those teen years and us girls know how we can get near that time.
Moral of all of this is, if you don't see all sides of the situation, you don't understand what it's like to be within the situation itself. Pushing people away who've been there through your questionable decisions, makes one a hypocrite. If you want to push them away after getting fully aware then that's a choice.
I love my husband, my daughter, and the family of both his and mine who've chosen to stick by, not just me, but him too. He needs to know that people are there for him, especially through this hard time. He's not taking anything for granted anymore. He's seen what a mistake he's made and is so thankful to have had the chance to explain the situation much more openly than it would have been if I didn't visit, give him time to talk, and talk with his family. I've seen a huge change in the man he is, he's become the man I fell in love with, and even better than that now. His heart is open, as is his mind, allowing us to know if he has a dark moment that sets him back. This is a huge step from where we were months or even years ago. His once thought of as his life, is now considered our lives.
He no longer works for his place of employment of 14 years. Neither of us are bitter by this. He's at peace with everything that's to come his way. He was very unhappy with his employment. He felt trapped, non-successful, and just overall discouraged by any possibilities which may have included moving up in the company. He's happier now than he's been for as long as he can remember. The burden of his job made him dread being there. There are many reasons why he didn't leave on his own, before all of this came known, but he had no motivation to get out. Yes, there will be quite the section of his experience which will be null to employers, but right at this moment, that's not a concern we have.
We have some more time until things surface, if at all, and once that occurs, we will figure our lives out, together, as one family. We are just moving forward in the best way we can, and we're making the most of every moment.
As of this moment, a lawyer has been hired and will represent him. His brother stepped up and paid the bill on that one, thankfully. Things are stable right now. We're making due with what we can and are a much happier family than we were months ago. His Mom and brother have been so helpful and done so much more than I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to them for supporting him while everything is still so difficult to sort through. Everyone who has stepped up and looked past the beginning of this madness, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful.
That support has made us investigate where we want our lives to continue to grow and has shown just how powerful it can be once in or out of the equation.
If anyone wants to look at me in a different way then more power to you, but one day I hope you open your eyes and understand certain circumstances can place them in a very dark, unnoticed place. You may even associate yourself with them daily, and just don't know them outside of that comfort they show upon their face to you. Needless to say, there are dark, unhappy, unsettling things going through everyone's head at one time or another, but it's the moment that they reveal it that'd show if you can look past it and still talk to them. To each their own. Everyone's entitled to their own choice. I will say if you can't support my decision and know that my decision is made upon my love for myself, my daughter, and my pets, then feel free to stay away.
Everyone is entitled to a screw up in their life. It's just a matter of moving forward and bettering yourself from the situation that got you there.
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