Been up since 4:30a, so forgive my grammer

Okay, so instead of writing an ongoing update on my Google+ and Facebook status, I've decided to inform everyone about a few things that's gone on today on here so that it's faster and less replies going back and forth to my phone.
Job interview:

• Honestly, I think it went great! When I met with Kandace, she was upbeat and very polite! She was great to talk to and we really hit it off. At one point, she was surely going to ask a question that I had just answered right before she asked. She said "Wow, that sounds great! I really like that answer!" then we moved onto the position and everything associated with it. I informed her about my time within the Medical Assistant program and how much I loved filing, customer service related needs, and the over-all atmosphere of being around people and being busy as much as possible to make the days go by quicker. There were several points where I left her speechless with my responses about how I feel an office should be kept running smoothly and how team work makes that happen for an office. 
• There is a second process to this, which would then be followed by an offer. The second process is to go to the site of which the job is located and to see how the "top 3" interviewers mesh with the girl who is currently running the show there. This is something that will make or break you, so experience isn't going to make that position be offered, she wants to see how well things would run with the lead who's running it currently.
• Once that process is done then the offer would be made. But, like I said before, there are two others who would basically be competing for this position. True colors on the other hand can shine through at that moment and I think that process is extremely important, because if you and the other person running the front desk do not get along than it's going to be hell all the way around. 
• Over-all, I feel positive, but I feel that whatever happens will happen and if it's meant to, it will be. 

After the interview:

• I came home only to run over a screw somewhere along the way and my tire began seeping air... Wonderful.. Oh, did I mention it's 40 degrees and raining? Oh, yeah that's the ice cream topper right there. Thankfully D hadn't left for work yet. He managed to change my tire out and make it so that I could do my needed things, such as pick Claire up from school and whatnot. That was fun times, let me tell ya! 

After the tire change:

• I couldn't get my piercing back in so I had to go to the shop to have them re-thread it through. OMG, what a painful process. Apparently since I've only had it for 8 weeks, after 4 hours of being taken out, it begins to close... Wonderful. So, that is a pain in the ass, but at least it's back in. 
• Went and picked Claire up from school, but not before getting a phone call from her asking where I was.... Well, from the note she brought home, she was to have tutoring on Tuesdays and Thursdays and well, it's Thursday?!, right? Well, apparently on Tuesday they did all of the pre-assessment testing that had been needed to be done but didn't say anything about them not having tutoring after school on Thursday. So, now her tutoring begins on Nov. 7 and she'll be going to it every Tuesday and Thursday beginning at that point until the end of April, which is when they will be taking another state test to assure that the children are ready to move up to the next grade level.
• Came home made dinner... Yes at 3p, I started making dinner since I hadn't eaten since 5am. I didn't want to go to an interview at a dentist office to have food stuck in my teeth at the interview. *Great first impression, right?*
• While cooking began bagging the route, ate, then continued bagging until 7:45p. 
• Claire and I got 550 done tonight and I'll finish the rest tomorrow. I'm too tired to stand anymore since I delivered the route at 5:05a-7:45a to start off my day.

Well that's about all... Claire gets her report card tomorrow and I am super curious to know how she's doing and what needs to be worked on! I'll post about that once I know! 

Good night everyone!

How do you break away from something you know all too well?

So over the past couple of days, now that I have more time to notice things, I've noticed that Claire has become more opt to lying than telling the truth. She's been hiding work from me that she is supposed to get done, sneaking foods when she's not supposed to (chocolate in particular), and telling me that she's done something that she's been asked to do, and hasn't.
Being my background, I'm used to getting punished, scolded, and even belted for such choices as these. In reality, these are choices, they aren't something that you just do and don't notice. It's hard to be calm in such situations because of how I grew up. If we didn't listen to our parents as children, we seriously got whooped and punished on top of that. But now a days, it's frowned upon to even lift a finger to a child for any acts in which are "forbidden". I look back on my past and wonder if I would have turned out any differently had I not been whooped for acting out, and I think that if I was, I would have turned out differently, but probably in a much less positive way.
Looking at the lies that Claire is making up, makes me upset because she's only EIGHT, she is a child and she is choosing to lie to me, bold faced and expect that everything will disappear after 10 minutes of lecturing. Her innocence is really not innocent at all.
This week, her lies were these:
"Yes Mommy I turned in my homework." 
"I want to help you so that you're not up all night doing the packaging on your own."
"I'm full!"
"What? I didn't hear you." and "Yeah yeah, I heard ya! I understand."
"I don't know when they're going to have conferences at school."
"I don't have homework this weekend."
"I already DID that."


So, let me start with #1.


Every week Claire is given a reading assignment, possibly two from a Highlights Magazine that is copied and  two sided. Every week Claire complains that the reading is too long and that's solely because she has to read it twice aloud and I read it once, as I previously posted. So, when she goes to school the next day she is to turn it in, signed by me that she read it. For the past 3 readings, she hasn't turned them in. I wrote a note on one of them because it was 2 weeks late, and told her, reminded her, and practically begged her to turn it in with the note I attached. Thursday I told her right before getting to school that she needed to remember to give the teacher her reading assignment. She kept saying she would, and so Thursday when I picked her up, I asked her if she had turned in her homework(s). She replied with "Yes!" I said, "Okay good!"
Saturday evening I went to move her bookbag and noticed that it was a little heavier than usual, so I opened it up to see, not only the assignment that had my signature on it from 2 weeks ago, but also the assignment that was to be turned in this week. It was to be turned in on Wednesday and she never turned it in.
So, with that being said, she boldly lied straight to my face by saying she turned them in and well, that was a straw that broke the camels back right there.

#2

Every week on Thursday, we get our fliers to package for our Saturday route. Claire didn't want to help because it was a large week with 10 fliers and she found it to be too hard, even though I do all the bagging and all she has to do is assemble the fliers together and hand them to me. So, she did everything to avoid packaging. Then after dinner she came up to me and with her huffs and sighs asked "Do you want me to help you?" But, of course not politely asked, more of a "You're inconveniencing me if you say yes." So I responded to her with, "Well you can either help me now or you can do whatever is leftover on your own tomorrow, since you're off of school." She said "Yeah, I'll do it tomorrow, and walked away." Meanwhile, as I previously stated, I do the actual bagging, because she has difficulty with it. So I spoke up as she walked away and stated... "Well, I don't know how you'll do the remainder of the route if I'm not going to be here to help you do it because you don't like to bag." Her response was "I DON'T know HOW to bag." with her angry tone used on me. I responded with, "It's not that you don't know how to bag, it's that you're too lazy to learn how to."
So, she walked away and I told D that I don't understand what the heck is going on with her and why she's acting out like this but I won't tolerate it. So she comes back downstairs and says "Oh, since it's not a school night, can I stay up til 9?" I said "Claire, you know what? I just don't care, do what you want, you're going to anyhow." So she walked away as she said "Okay."
So D and I are talking, she's upstairs and I said, since she's not helping, that indicates that she's not doing a part of her chore list therefore she's not going to get her full amount of spending money." I went on and said, "If she wants to act like this and not help than she won't go to the pumpkin patch this weekend either because she hasn't earned it." All of a sudden, *stomp stomp stomp stomp*, here comes Claire... "I wanna help", she says. I said "Really? Why is that Claire, why the sudden change of heart?" She responds with "Because I want to help you so that you aren't up all night doing the packaging." (awe, how sweet right?) Then I said "Oh, so you didn't hear Daddy and I talking about how you wouldn't go to the pumpkin patch this weekend if you didn't help?" She then says, "I heard you talking about that, I want to go, so I'll help. *sigh, grunt*." At that point it was already 7:30p and I told her that I wasn't going to set her up to start working because that would just take away from the work that I'm actually getting done and that since it's almost 8p, she can get herself ready for bed because even though she didn't have school in the morning, technically it was still a school night. She got pissy, threw this fit about my statement and walked away.

#3

So, Friday we had some errands to run and I didn't wake up until 11:40am because I didn't get to sleep til around 2:30a, since I didn't take my meds until late. When I woke up, I saw that Claire was finishing up what I didn't finish and was really close to being done. I was happy that she took the initiative to actually package the remainder as I told her she would be doing the night before. I thanked her for stepping up and actually doing what I had informed her she would be, the night previous. So, after I had my "breakfast" we both got dressed and headed out to get a few things done. While we were out, we got lunch because she said she was hungry. We went to Olive Garden, since it was right next to where we were and I felt that since she did step up, she deserved some kind of reward. So we are halfway through our meal and we both are full. She is like "I can't eat another bite, I'm so full!" So the waiter came over and gave us the check and the chocolate mints that they give at the end of every meal and accidently dropped Claire's but it was wrapped and really wasn't a big deal. He went and picked it up and told Claire he'd go and get her another one since he dropped that one. By the time the waiter came back, she had eaten the one that was dropped onto the floor. To me, that must've meant it wasn't a big deal, plus she's full anyway so she claims.
We then go to GFS and pick up some random little things and she throws away the mint wrapper that she ate from at the restaurant and kept the other one in the truck. Then on Friday evening when D and I were putting the fliers in the truck and I had to move Claire's car seat and saw that she had eaten half of the other mint that she had told me earlier she wasn't going to eat until later. Then when I brought it up to her she went and said "Yeah? I ate half of it after we left GFS." I asked her "Well, did you ask if you could eat it after we left GFS?" She replied with "No?"
So while this was a minor white lie, it's still a lie.

#4

This "Huh?" crap needs to go! She only hears what she wants to hear... After Claire's Tae Kwon Do on Friday and her leveling to a yellow belt, we went to the YMCA trick or treat as a congratulations to her. We're standing in line to go on the haunted bus ride and she ran into someone who is in her Tae Kwon Do class. Claire is talking to this girl and the girl begins to make fun of the way she speaks and acts like a real jerk. I told Claire to ignore her and don't let her get to you.... Well, she claimed that she was attempting but instead of actually ignoring her, Claire kept hitting and pulling on this girl who was making fun of her. I did NOT want to get mingled in with that mess and chose that Claire really needed to take care of herself, but also I wanted to see how she handled situations like that because unfortunately I'm unable to really see these reactions because when they happen most, she's in school and comes home to play little miss innocent. I just kept telling Claire to ignore her, but she didn't, she kept reacting to the problems which of course makes the girl who is teasing her continue. I told her that we should get ready to go because we have to work in the AM and depending on how well she works this weekend depends on if she will get to go Trick-Or-Treating next week. She responds with "Yeah, yeah, I know." I then asked, "What did I just say to you Claire?" She said "Uhhhhhhhhhhh, that we have to work this weekend?" I said "Okay, and what else Claire?" She goes..."......I don't know."
So 8:30p comes along and Claire has done much of the activities that were to be had and I told her that we should get home so that she can eat and get to bed because we had to work in the morning. She does this huff and puff action and says "okaaaaaaaay." I then repeated what I said to her about her working will decide on whether or not she'll go trick or treating next week. We got home, she ate and then went to bed.

#5

"Claire, I want to meet with your teachers so that I know what I need to help you with in school. I think it's important that we work on you improving the needed skills and get you to your proper level. You get report cards soon, right?" She then replies, "Yes, next week." I said, "Well then that means that they should have some conferences lined up soon, do you know when they're going to be yet?" Claire then says "Nope, I don't know." I then went into her bookbag to on Saturday to see there was a sheet that was in there with dates for conferences that she was to give to me, but never did. The sheet was dated Wednesday and is to be returned this week. Had I not seen the sheet of paper, I wouldn't have known, nor would I have found out how she's doing and what we need to work on at home to make school less challenging for her.

#6

"Do you have homework this weekend, Claire?" I asked on Thursday. "No, Mommy, I don't have homework." I said "Oh, okay." Then, as I said before, I checked her bookbag and saw that she had a sheet of math homework that she decided to not tell me about. It was about 25 SIMPLE questions and she was not going to even do it. So, I didn't let her do it either once I found it. I said screw it, and threw it away because she chose to not inform me about it, even though I asked her, and she, once again, bold faced lied to me.

#7

As the days get shorter and she's at school, I assigned her chores that are to be done on a weekly basis but broken down over the 7 days so that it's not everything at once. A couple of days ago we went and FINALLY had our floors finished (transition pieces were missing) and I asked Claire to wipe down the dining room's baseboards because I had a part in the dining room that needed to be looked at by the installer. The baseboards were dusty because Henri takes sand baths and he also sheds. I moved his cage out so that this could be done without issue. I went into the kitchen to get the swiffer moist pad and I came back out and she was up and stated she was done.... It was a matter of 2 minutes, at most that she claims that ALL of the baseboards were dusted. I looked and it was OBVIOUS that it wasn't done. And when I brought up to her that they weren't done, she huffed and puffed and sighed as if I was lying to her!
This isn't the only lie that she's told about things I've asked to get done. Another was when she was "dusting" the living room. She started on the entertainment center and then claimed she had dusted the ENTIRE living room. She claimed that she was done in about 5 minutes but she'd done nothing BUT the entertainment center. When I asked her if she had dusted the end tables, she said yes and when I went to look they had things as unorganized as they were before she had CLAIMED to have dusted. All of the magazines, glassware and papers were still the EXACT same way they were and I asked her, "You dusted the coffee table?" She replied with "Yes." I said, "Oh so you just put everything back the exact place it was after you dusted it?" She said "No....." I said, "Oh, so how is it that the table has the exact same set up that it did after you dusted it than it does now?" And the classic response of "I don't know!"



So, now I have explained all of the lies that have occurred over the past week, I'm going to explain some more information about what's going on after the lies have been "admitted" to.

I told Claire whatever it is that she lies about will be thrown away. If she isn't going to tell me the truth about things than I'm going to take that as they are not important to her and throw them away. This includes homework or toys or anything that she lies to be about.
I told Claire that if she continues to lie that she will not be getting all that she wants for her room because she hasn't earned them. I actually took two things away this weekend for her lies that were just bought to go along with the theme that she has going on for her room.
I told Claire that if she is to continue lying she will lose her allowance completely and for every chore that she said that she's done, and she hasn't, she was start to owe me money.


So now I'm at the point that I'm actually reading what to do about kids that lie. How to approach the situation because in reality my approach is not what my parents' were. I'm trying to make it so that she loses something that she really really likes but then she makes it seem like it doesn't matter because she's making it seem like it was never a big deal to her in the first place. After I sent Claire to bed early on Saturday night, the next morning, she wanted to give me something for how she acted the night before... However, I was still so aggravated with her that I didn't want anything from her. I just wanted her to start telling the truth and being honest about what she does, instead of being so brat like about things.

You really are a Mini Me

As I look at you I see the resemblance, as does everyone else. But then once we really begin to talk and you open up to me, I realize more and more how much you are the miniature me.
Here's what I've LEARNED tonight from my daughter....

1. She has informed me that she loves to read, but really struggles when it comes to answering questions following the reading. When the story is interesting she gets into it, but as soon as the questions are presented, she goes blank. 
2. Claire is an AMAZING reader! Her and I have set time aside on a weekly basis to read together, which began tonight. She reads with emotion and emphasizes well on so many sentences. She struggles with random larger or unfamiliar words but she does her best to pronounce them and then asks what the word is or what it means.
3. Claire is struggling with some topics in Math. While she excels in many areas, such as money and addition/subtraction, however when she is being timed she kind of freaks out. She's more concerned about when the timer is going to ding than she is about the work to be done. She's almost fearful of when it'll go off, and because of this, she has difficulty finishing many assignments that she is or isn't familiar with. 
4. Claire has always been a little uncomfortable with speaking aloud because she seems self-conscious about how she states words. Partially, I believe I'm at fault for that because I'm constantly correcting her. 

What our plans are to improve her skills...

1. Every week we are going to read 3 days at an hour a day together. She and I will read aloud 2 pages at a time so that she has the opportunity to hear some unfamiliar words that may help her comprehend all that she is reading.
2. Every week we will be visiting "Study Island" to help with her memory of what she's read with the questions at the end. 
3. Every week we will continue to do her homework that includes reading as we have, which is, she reads the article the first time. I read it back to her once she's finished, then she reads it a second time and I'm seeing signs of improvement with how she vocalizes the words after I've read the article.  
4. We're going to work on some flashcards. I feel that with flashcards it's a possibility that she'll be able to vocalize more about what the story is about, therefore answer the questions at the end on a better level. 
5. She will begin after school tutoring to help get her ready for the Ohio Achievement Assessment Test in April. I have contacted the teacher who is in charge of this and Claire really wants to attend these extra learning sessions so that she is more confident for the OAA in April.
6. Set up a conference with her teacher(s) to see if there is anything they would recommend for Claire to improve on her skills at home so that she's better prepared at school.

Onto what aggravates me:

1. Claire has been in 4 schools within 3 years. This truly irks me. The main problem I've seen is with West Broad Elementary. I don't blame them entirely, because I think I'm to blame also for letting things slide, but... they surely didn't help.
2. Claire's reading level was considered to be at a 4th grade level within the public city schools standards, however when I had Claire in homeschooling with me, I knew then and there that she wasn't at that level. Yes, this kid can read her head off, however, she is very low on comprehension. I somehow believe that when I was in elementary school comprehension was a part of reading, but now it doesn't seem like it. 
3. Claire's confidence has lowered considerably since leaving West Broad Elementary. Why? Well, it's because they placed her so high on a pedestal and saw her as the smart one that they basically ignored her because she was able to read, unlike many other children within that classroom who were tended to more often due to their lack of ability. 
4. When talking with Claire, I see how she gets emotional when she feels inadequate about one or several capabilities. These can range from her dropping something that was accidental to not being fast enough when it comes to certain sports. She gets discouraged easily and it saddens me to see how much it bothers her.
5. Claire's new school has been more in touch with me over the month or so that Claire has been enrolled than what West Broad or any other school she's gone to has been throughout the entire history of her being there. 

Why I consider Claire to be a "Mini-Me"..

1. I have a learning disability that no one has been able to diagnose. My brain goes blank when a test of ANY sort is presented to me. I believe Claire may also be experiencing the same thing I do. 
2. I spoke with Claire tonight and told her "Kid, you and I are more alike than you would think." She looked to me and asked, "What do you mean?" I went on to tell her about how I need extra testing time because of how my brain processes things. She and I went over the issues and she and I have the same exact fears when it comes to testing and answering questions at the end.
3. When I was a kid, I do not recall ever having story time with my parents. I always reverted to writing, not reading. I found poetry as a way out. Most times I wouldn't even read that. It was my way of expression. This is the one difference for Claire and I... She loves to read, and dislikes writing. Outside of that we are extremely similar.

Well, just wanted to write that out so that I could not only inform you all of what's happening, but also what will be happening here soon! :) 

Weekend of awesome

So this weekend, I made it a point to try and enjoy every possible moment. Our weekend always has work within it, but this weekend was different because we went and had fun outside of work. Saturday morning the YMCA was hosting a free breakfast event, which was cool. So, D wasn't due into work until 1p and I decided to do the route a little later than usual so that we could enjoy some much needed family time. So at 9a on Saturday we arrived at the YMCA and had some pancakes and sausage. After we ate we went around the gymnasium and saw some pretty kick ass art done by kids at the church next door and those who were enrolled in camp over the summer. Claire really enjoyed it. That was much needed. Once we got finished at the YMCA we began our route and afterward we came home and literally put our feet up. Claire watched a movie with a wrap around her ankle because she had played soccer as soon as we got home and messed it up a bit, once again. She relaxed for the rest of the evening and went to be her normal time.
Today we went and picked up a kick-ass FREE cat tree that is HUGE and would have costed over 100$ at Petsmart that was posted on Craigslist because the mans cat never touched it. Woot for us, right?! Then after that we had brunch with a friend, Kima/Steve, who visited his cousin. Kima came down from Cleveland on a much needed vacation away from home and it was great to have spent some good times with him at a local pub in Grandview! The city had a marathon happening so the roads were closed, but thankfully the businesses were still open, and pretty busy, may I add. Then after that we went somewhere that I told Claire last night was a surprise and she just kept guessing and guessing, but I kept telling her she wouldn't be able to figure it out. So, we drove about 45 minutes to Mystery Lane Farm where we had the opportunity to groom and ride horses. This was all free of charge, all we paid for is the gas to get there, which is awesome! Claire had some one on one time with a horse named Jax, and Lightening. She was able to groom both of them and also was able to ride a horse while there which was wonderful for her!
This is Jax! The first one she groomed.

This is her riding one of the other horses.

This is me riding on that same horse, and may I add, I rode him for about 25 minutes while talking to his owner.

Then there was this cute as heck kitten. He reminded me of my first cat, Fluffy. I was instantly in love.

This farm was awesome. They had chickens, goats

And... a BLUE eyed horse!!!

Needless to say, this weekend was great! I'm so glad that I have the opportunity to go there on a regular basis and have Claire explore farm life. I'm also so thankful that I'm able to explore these things with her. When we arrived at the farm, she lit up! It was like Christmas for her. At one point she said "I am in heaven!" That in itself is such a wonderful quote coming from her. It lightens my heart and makes me smile on the inside and out!
This upcoming week is going to be a bit busy. Claire has swim class on Monday and Thursday as typical. We have our route on Wednesday and Thursday, as typical. But then, Friday she will be tested for her yellow belt! So, no more white basic belt! She's moving up, which is WONDERFUL!! :)

Well that about concludes my update of what all is going on here. Hope everyone enjoys their upcoming week!

Random

I saw you giggle over just the most simple gesture
I watched you have a smile over the news you got tonight
I gave you some encouragement and told you to never give up on what you've tried so hard for
As you look to me I wish you nothing but happiness and success through all of your fear
You have a heart that needs mending for so many situations but we'll get you emotionally stable again, I just know it
With the power of our love, you'll pull through even the most difficult moments
As you grow you'll learn that not everything is as it seems but right now you see everything so innocently
I don't want to take that innocence away, but I want you to be aware that you will need to overcome even the toughest moments
When you wake up every morning I pray that you can think of it as a new day to advance the skills you've learned yesterday
I love to see your smile, keep it upon your face so that your happiness can grow even further
No matter the situation, I'll be by your side to help guide you in the right direction and improve your outlook on life
Keeping you in my heart and by my side is something that will always be

Who am I?

As a follow up to one of my previous posts as to who I really am, I'm going to clarify who I am within this post. I think bullet form is likely best for what all I have to say because organization isn't very likely if I just write. So lets begin:

Who I am

• I am a mother who has such a strong sense of love for my family that if I do not interact with them on a regular basis, I feel separated from the world and don't know how to function properly. 
• I am a wife to a loving husband who has loved me unconditionally from the start and I'm so thankful for the love he's shown me.
• I am a housewife. While life is busy and all of the outside activities keep me busy, I still manage (somehow) to keep up with my household needs.
• I am someone who does not put up with bullshit. I won't take crap from anyone even if it's something subtle.
• I am a loyal friend who tries her absolute best at keeping in touch with loved ones. However as of lately, I have been failing terribly at doing so and for that, I truly apologize.
• I am someone who has such a great love for animals that if one of my "babies" gets injured I turn into a doctor to them and assess any problems immediately. 
• I am unhappy with school and it's entirety. I have found that my heart was truly in Medical Assisting and once all of that blew up (health problem wise) I lost touch with everything that really mattered to me in the schooling area. 
• I am a drop out of college, at least for the time being. My heart is not in it as it really should be. The passion for the 2 fields I have tried over the past 6 months has honestly been a joke! I swore that I'd be happy within teaching because I love kids, but then I realized that it's too stressful for me and with my health, it would be quite the disadvantage. Then I figured I'd go for a degree of SOME sort in Medical coding... Well, honestly, I'm bored with it and I've learned nothing within it. The classes that I am taking are so unlike anything I want to be in. I think over time I will find a passion for something within a field, but for now, it's best to stop wasting money and just focus on my job, house, and family.
• I am a damn good cook, and honestly want to be able to use those skills. I want to be able to make great food that doesn't just come straight from the freezer into the microwave because I'm too busy.
• I am a mother to a daughter who's in need of a Mom, not just someone she works with. It's so hard to hear your child say "You don't have time for me." in her own words. It makes my heart feel so empty and unhealthy. My child is my world and honestly, I'd give up everything (except for my husband, and brother) to make sure she is happy and healthy. Her ways of thought recently have not been healthy at all, and it's taken me months to really see this.
• I am someone who has abandoned her child for the past 3 1/2 years to attend school. Yes, I used the word abandon because in her heart, she feels that but doesn't know how to put it in words. 
• I am a hard worker! While my job, to many, is pointless and really senseless and less advanced than many jobs, I actually like it. I enjoy talking to the residents and I feel I've built a bond with them so much that, their dogs come out to greet me at my truck as I'm getting ready to deliver to their street. I honestly really enjoy what I do, plus it's free exercise and it's allowed me to manage my weight rather well.
• I am someone who wants the best for everyone and I think that's why I've kept myself in school for so long. I've thought over and over again that it'd better our family and strengthen us, however, it's done the complete opposite. It's made the bond I should have with my daughter slowly disappear and my stress level increase beyond belief. 
• I am a heart patient. Up until recently (for about a year now) I never knew that I could have heart issues. Even though I don't want to go to the doctor to get it accessed, because I fear the outcome, I know I need to, not just for my state of mind, but my family's too. I have rapid beats per minute and it's a concern to my family doctor who has seen the increase not get any better. I went to a Cardiologist about a month ago and he wants to perform stress tests along with an Echocardiogram. I was all fine with getting that done, but the doctor, I really do not care for. He blamed my chest pains on my Fibromyalgia. The two conditions are COMPLETELY UNRELATED! I'll likely be scheduling this appointment here soon so that I can actually find out if it's something to be worried about or something to dismiss.

So, that is what is going on with me.... I hope that you all understand why I've been such an emotional roller coaster as of lately from this posts description. Thanks for reading!

Claire...

So I'm going to be completely open about how I feel right now and how it's been for the past couple of months.  I've kept my cool, thinking things would improve but in actuality it has only made things more difficult... not just for me, but for the one who look to me for guidance, support, and overall honesty...
Claire has been dealing with some emotional issues a lot lately and I'm more of that "man up" type of mother when I have no time to really share with Claire. I've realized more so recently that Claire is in need of a mother, not a boss. It seems that the only time her and I have to spend together is when we're working, then afterward we're too tired and just part ways. I'm so tired of being that absentee mother who shows little to no guidance but expects so damn much of an 8 year old who is in need of guidance, or emotional support.
I've never realized just how precious the moments are, when your child craves spending time with their parents. It's especially hard for her because she has no siblings and no one to play with on a regular basis outside of school. Most of the reason for that is because I've devoted myself to school. School has truly become such a interference of my family and their well being. Claire growing up so fast right now and for her to want to spend time with her parents is something we really need to embrace. It's only a matter of time before she begins that tween stage that consists of "Whatever Mom!" or "I don't care, Mom." and the list goes on and on about how her feelings will change so rapidly that I won't know what feelings she possesses.
This is an opportune time that means so much for her growing stages that are upcoming. I want so badly to be that Mom to her that she needs. I want to feel as if I'm that person she can go to when she has problems, not that person she fears telling everything to, because I'm too busy. Let me tune you in on some phrases that have been thrown around as of lately which have really taken a toll on my heart.

Claire: "Mommy, in school today we went onto Study Island and I did great. The teacher said we could practice at home too, but I told her that we won't be doing it at home."
Me: Why did you say that to your teacher Claire. I wouldn't mind you spending some time on Study Island because I know it will ultimately help with your Ohio Testing."
Claire: "Well, with you and Daddy always busy with school work I didn't think you would have the time to set aside for me to go onto it."

Alright, so Study Island, for parents who may not be aware of what it is, is a site where reading, language, math, along with many other assessments are practiced to improve their skills within a specific area. This website is used by schools all around the world and every classroom uses it here in Ohio. Each child is given a log-in screen name so that they can log in themselves and the password is universal for the classroom they're placed in. Children have the ability to visit study island and do hundreds of activities so that they can master the skill.

Another one was today:

Scene: In our dining room packaging the route for Saturday, after school.

Claire: "I wish my life could be better."
Me: "What Claire?"
Claire: "Nothing"
Me: "Claire, what do you mean you wish your life could be better? Are you unhappy with how your life is currently?"
Claire: "No, it's not that, I just wish everyone's days could be better, so that many people would be less grumpy."
Me: "Claire, unfortunately, not everything is that simple hon. Even if we gave people everything they claim to have wanted, people would still be grouchy."
Claire: "Oh. Yeah, I guess."

This was brought up because on the USA Weekend it stated "Do your best to make someone else's life better." on the cover.

After that comment was clarified and spoken about, she then states this:

Claire: "Mommy, when does Daddy work tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know hon."
Claire: "Oh."
Me: "Why do you ask?"
Claire: "Because I would really like to spend time with Daddy and you. I think it would be nice!"
Me: "Oh, I thought you wanted to do Arts and Crafts tomorrow."
Claire: "I do, but I rather spend time with you guys and I'll do Arts and Crafts on a day that Daddy and you aren't so busy with classwork."
Me: "Oh, alright, well we'll find out when he comes home from work and see what his schedule is for tomorrow."
Claire: "Okay, I hope he works early so we can spend time together."

This has been just a few of the conversations that have been had as of recently. I truly dislike how much I feel I'm abandoning her. It's not fair to her, me, nor D. She's at that stage now where a lot of questions are being asked and she's curious about so much. I don't want to miss those things. I don't want her to ask something that's so vital and I tune her out due to being so hung up on coursework. It's not fair to her, it really isn't fair at all!

She also mentioned today that she really wants to go to a pumpkin patch like we did last year. She asked about getting a pumpkin and wants to carve one so badly. She wants a HUGE one, too. I'm at the point now where she can have the largest one she can find at this point. I just want to see that smile upon her face without the force that she's been using to get it on her face. She's such a great kid with such a huge heart. And have I mentioned, she is SO responsible.

A couple of weeks ago we went to pick her up some undershirts for school and she asked me when we got home, "How much was everything? What do I owe you?" She wants to pay for her own stuff and not just stuff, but necessities which I think is great! She's saving up for her own bike that she's really wanted for some time now. It's 80$ and I think it's great that she's working toward something that she REALLY wants for herself. Yesterday we were going to deliver half of the route and I went to take her glasses inside, because it was rainy and she gets all fogged up when it's raining and much to my surprise, she messed up her frames. She attempted to fix the glasses because they were too tight around the ears and ended up breaking them. She hid this from me and since she broke them, she was informed that she needed to pay me back for the frames! The frames were 15$ because we got an extended service plan with them and then she paid $5 for gas. She gave me $20 and then thanked me for paying for the frames until she got home to give me the money. She's really growing into a fine young lady!

With the school change, she has grown great growth, too. She has shined within her classroom and she's catching on rather quickly, even though the school is much more advanced than where she came from. She's starting to feel comfortable with the material that is being taught in the classroom, finally. It's taken her some adjusting, a few encounters with boys, and a strong backbone to get where she is now. She's been at this school now for about a month and she really has become such a mature child. Like I said earlier though, she still has some emotional issues that need to be dealt with, but she really has come a long way.

Claire is excelling in swimming. She really enjoys it and has put a lot of effort in these classes she's in. I'm super proud of how much effort she's put in. The first couple of weeks were rough, no question, but she was in the 9 ft end of the pool today and remarkably jumped off of the diving board, not once, not twice, but FOUR times! She had been so frightened of getting up there and not coming back up after the jump into the pool that she kept letting people get in front of her so that she could avoid doing it all together. She's still learning, mind you, but she really has shown wonderful signs of improvement. As soon as she got goggles, she was a changed kid in the water. It was as if she was in uniform and was ready to make something good....no great! out of this. She has been going to two different swimming lessons per week. One more challenging than the other. I wasn't quite sure where she was, but I wanted to get her in the introduction and the one right after the introduction so that they could kind of follow one another. This tactic has definitely shown to have worked! All of her trainers have been impressed w/ how great she's been doing, and have seen growth over the past couple of weeks! I'm reentering her in the same classes again for another 4-6 weeks so that she can really master the skills and feel comfortable under water. I think she'll show even more confidence if she is continuously exposed to what she's still learning. She's doing really really good, but she lacks the self confidence just yet.

As for Tai Kwon Do... She is really enjoying it. She has been doing great in it and has actually saved herself once in school when someone attempted to hit her in the face. She blocked it and he left her alone from that point forward. She's one of the few kids that has just begun Tai Kwon Do and on the first day, the instructors were amazed by how flexible her legs are for positioning. She is still learning a few things, and she is re-enrolled in Tai Kwon Do for the next lessons that begin on the 22nd. This is vital to her growth. She's a kid that needs to be a part of something for a while before she grows that self-confidence which'll allow her to shine even more.

Soccer is not going to be a sport that continues for Claire. Between her ankle and her knees, we feel that she'd be more injured than she would be having enjoyment. The problems arose when she was in soccer for the Recreation and Parks here in Columbus. But, they've progressed and she's been dealing with a lot of joint stiffness and experienced a lot of tenderness. So, even though it is a sport she really does love, we all feel it's best for her to stay in the swimming for aqua therapy and Tai Kwon Do for the self defense without all of the pain associated with them.

Well, now that I've written a book, I'm going to go to bed! Being that I started writing this at midnight and it's now 4 minutes until 1a, I think it's a good time to just go night night!