Claire...

So I'm going to be completely open about how I feel right now and how it's been for the past couple of months.  I've kept my cool, thinking things would improve but in actuality it has only made things more difficult... not just for me, but for the one who look to me for guidance, support, and overall honesty...
Claire has been dealing with some emotional issues a lot lately and I'm more of that "man up" type of mother when I have no time to really share with Claire. I've realized more so recently that Claire is in need of a mother, not a boss. It seems that the only time her and I have to spend together is when we're working, then afterward we're too tired and just part ways. I'm so tired of being that absentee mother who shows little to no guidance but expects so damn much of an 8 year old who is in need of guidance, or emotional support.
I've never realized just how precious the moments are, when your child craves spending time with their parents. It's especially hard for her because she has no siblings and no one to play with on a regular basis outside of school. Most of the reason for that is because I've devoted myself to school. School has truly become such a interference of my family and their well being. Claire growing up so fast right now and for her to want to spend time with her parents is something we really need to embrace. It's only a matter of time before she begins that tween stage that consists of "Whatever Mom!" or "I don't care, Mom." and the list goes on and on about how her feelings will change so rapidly that I won't know what feelings she possesses.
This is an opportune time that means so much for her growing stages that are upcoming. I want so badly to be that Mom to her that she needs. I want to feel as if I'm that person she can go to when she has problems, not that person she fears telling everything to, because I'm too busy. Let me tune you in on some phrases that have been thrown around as of lately which have really taken a toll on my heart.

Claire: "Mommy, in school today we went onto Study Island and I did great. The teacher said we could practice at home too, but I told her that we won't be doing it at home."
Me: Why did you say that to your teacher Claire. I wouldn't mind you spending some time on Study Island because I know it will ultimately help with your Ohio Testing."
Claire: "Well, with you and Daddy always busy with school work I didn't think you would have the time to set aside for me to go onto it."

Alright, so Study Island, for parents who may not be aware of what it is, is a site where reading, language, math, along with many other assessments are practiced to improve their skills within a specific area. This website is used by schools all around the world and every classroom uses it here in Ohio. Each child is given a log-in screen name so that they can log in themselves and the password is universal for the classroom they're placed in. Children have the ability to visit study island and do hundreds of activities so that they can master the skill.

Another one was today:

Scene: In our dining room packaging the route for Saturday, after school.

Claire: "I wish my life could be better."
Me: "What Claire?"
Claire: "Nothing"
Me: "Claire, what do you mean you wish your life could be better? Are you unhappy with how your life is currently?"
Claire: "No, it's not that, I just wish everyone's days could be better, so that many people would be less grumpy."
Me: "Claire, unfortunately, not everything is that simple hon. Even if we gave people everything they claim to have wanted, people would still be grouchy."
Claire: "Oh. Yeah, I guess."

This was brought up because on the USA Weekend it stated "Do your best to make someone else's life better." on the cover.

After that comment was clarified and spoken about, she then states this:

Claire: "Mommy, when does Daddy work tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know hon."
Claire: "Oh."
Me: "Why do you ask?"
Claire: "Because I would really like to spend time with Daddy and you. I think it would be nice!"
Me: "Oh, I thought you wanted to do Arts and Crafts tomorrow."
Claire: "I do, but I rather spend time with you guys and I'll do Arts and Crafts on a day that Daddy and you aren't so busy with classwork."
Me: "Oh, alright, well we'll find out when he comes home from work and see what his schedule is for tomorrow."
Claire: "Okay, I hope he works early so we can spend time together."

This has been just a few of the conversations that have been had as of recently. I truly dislike how much I feel I'm abandoning her. It's not fair to her, me, nor D. She's at that stage now where a lot of questions are being asked and she's curious about so much. I don't want to miss those things. I don't want her to ask something that's so vital and I tune her out due to being so hung up on coursework. It's not fair to her, it really isn't fair at all!

She also mentioned today that she really wants to go to a pumpkin patch like we did last year. She asked about getting a pumpkin and wants to carve one so badly. She wants a HUGE one, too. I'm at the point now where she can have the largest one she can find at this point. I just want to see that smile upon her face without the force that she's been using to get it on her face. She's such a great kid with such a huge heart. And have I mentioned, she is SO responsible.

A couple of weeks ago we went to pick her up some undershirts for school and she asked me when we got home, "How much was everything? What do I owe you?" She wants to pay for her own stuff and not just stuff, but necessities which I think is great! She's saving up for her own bike that she's really wanted for some time now. It's 80$ and I think it's great that she's working toward something that she REALLY wants for herself. Yesterday we were going to deliver half of the route and I went to take her glasses inside, because it was rainy and she gets all fogged up when it's raining and much to my surprise, she messed up her frames. She attempted to fix the glasses because they were too tight around the ears and ended up breaking them. She hid this from me and since she broke them, she was informed that she needed to pay me back for the frames! The frames were 15$ because we got an extended service plan with them and then she paid $5 for gas. She gave me $20 and then thanked me for paying for the frames until she got home to give me the money. She's really growing into a fine young lady!

With the school change, she has grown great growth, too. She has shined within her classroom and she's catching on rather quickly, even though the school is much more advanced than where she came from. She's starting to feel comfortable with the material that is being taught in the classroom, finally. It's taken her some adjusting, a few encounters with boys, and a strong backbone to get where she is now. She's been at this school now for about a month and she really has become such a mature child. Like I said earlier though, she still has some emotional issues that need to be dealt with, but she really has come a long way.

Claire is excelling in swimming. She really enjoys it and has put a lot of effort in these classes she's in. I'm super proud of how much effort she's put in. The first couple of weeks were rough, no question, but she was in the 9 ft end of the pool today and remarkably jumped off of the diving board, not once, not twice, but FOUR times! She had been so frightened of getting up there and not coming back up after the jump into the pool that she kept letting people get in front of her so that she could avoid doing it all together. She's still learning, mind you, but she really has shown wonderful signs of improvement. As soon as she got goggles, she was a changed kid in the water. It was as if she was in uniform and was ready to make something good....no great! out of this. She has been going to two different swimming lessons per week. One more challenging than the other. I wasn't quite sure where she was, but I wanted to get her in the introduction and the one right after the introduction so that they could kind of follow one another. This tactic has definitely shown to have worked! All of her trainers have been impressed w/ how great she's been doing, and have seen growth over the past couple of weeks! I'm reentering her in the same classes again for another 4-6 weeks so that she can really master the skills and feel comfortable under water. I think she'll show even more confidence if she is continuously exposed to what she's still learning. She's doing really really good, but she lacks the self confidence just yet.

As for Tai Kwon Do... She is really enjoying it. She has been doing great in it and has actually saved herself once in school when someone attempted to hit her in the face. She blocked it and he left her alone from that point forward. She's one of the few kids that has just begun Tai Kwon Do and on the first day, the instructors were amazed by how flexible her legs are for positioning. She is still learning a few things, and she is re-enrolled in Tai Kwon Do for the next lessons that begin on the 22nd. This is vital to her growth. She's a kid that needs to be a part of something for a while before she grows that self-confidence which'll allow her to shine even more.

Soccer is not going to be a sport that continues for Claire. Between her ankle and her knees, we feel that she'd be more injured than she would be having enjoyment. The problems arose when she was in soccer for the Recreation and Parks here in Columbus. But, they've progressed and she's been dealing with a lot of joint stiffness and experienced a lot of tenderness. So, even though it is a sport she really does love, we all feel it's best for her to stay in the swimming for aqua therapy and Tai Kwon Do for the self defense without all of the pain associated with them.

Well, now that I've written a book, I'm going to go to bed! Being that I started writing this at midnight and it's now 4 minutes until 1a, I think it's a good time to just go night night!