Life

My life has changed in ways I never thought possible. As a child, I saw how my parents were unhappy as a married couple which trickled down to us kids seeing many negatives growing up. With seeing the unimaginable, I always stated I wouldn't get married because I didn't want to go down that road of hurt and betrayal. I was told I'd never be able to have children because I have genetic blood disorders which intervene with being able to conceive and carry a child. I even miscarried once which basically gave me confirmation that it'd be dangerous to my well being and the child's that I'd potentially be carrying, as well.
That all changed when I met Derrick. I, of course, had many trust issues, along with being very skeptical regarding a potential future for our lives. Somehow we did all of the unthinkable for me, I had a beautiful baby girl, without a lot of complications, and we got married 4 year into our relationship. Nothing of our relationship was traditional. We moved in together 6 weeks after meeting, got engaged 6 months after being together, had our daughter 2 years 9 months after being together, and got married 4 years 3 months after being together.
Neither of us knew where our lives were going when we got together, but we build our lives off of each other, making every moment as memorable as possible. Career paths were uncertain, Derrick had many talents in Art and was great with Mathematics, but was never interested nor did he have enough confidence in his talents to turn them into something career wise. I had many loves, but was uncertain with which path to go down for myself. I, too, lacked the confidence in my mind to pursue any type of career path. I loved Floral designing, Animal Science, Medical Assisting, Psychology, and Child Development. I had difficulty narrowing my loves down, and didn't have the money to try everything out to play the process of elimination game.
Derrick and I had some bumps down the road, but many relationships do and it's not fair to expect that relationships were all happy and lovey. I had many medical issues, which definitely caused some lack of affection on my behalf, and I'm sure that didn't help in the way of encouragement and confidence for Derrick. I have hormone issues which causes issues internally, which are unfixable. I also had some confidence issues from previous relationships, which made me have quite the wall up for many years, fearing the worst would occur.
My family loved Derrick when I introduced him to them. Even my brother, who was very protective of me, accepted Derrick into our family. It was hard for me to take part in Derrick's family because of the loss of my mom. I kept my distance because I feared if I didn't I'd become close, and then lose her as well. Derrick's dad and I were pretty cool with one another, as was Derrick's brother, Justin. The sisters of Derrick weren't the easiest to get along with, mainly because I didn't grow up with sisters and I had low tolerance for many statements said.
Our relationship was strong, consistent, and loyal. Something I never thought I'd have in my life. My daughter had her normal highs and lows, but together we made it through, helping one another as the harder times occurred and enjoying life when things weren't so hectic.
Never did I imagine I'd be sitting here 17 years from when we first met, filing papers for divorce and separating our belongings while Derrick is still stationed in Ohio waiting the word of when/if he'll be able to move on with his life and into Maryland where his family is. Being the circumstance, Claire will forever be in my custody, which honestly, we've been one another's rock through this situation.
I'm thankful that Claire has gotten past the point of needing space from Derrick and is finally talking to him, on her own terms. For a while, she wanted space, no words spoken, and was unaware that she still had the opportunity to speak with him. For the longest time, I too, was unaware that she and he could speak to one another. They now talk regularly and I'm thankful that she can utilize the chances of informing him of what's going on in her life. The situation sucks, but I will never take the chance of still being a part of Derrick's life, because every child needs their parent, as long as the situation that has been presented isn't involving Claire directly. Claire understands a lot more now that I've made sure she hears the entire story. I never wanted to be that parent who stood in between a child and their parent. If Claire wants and is still able to communicate with Derrick, I will not take that from her. It's not that Derrick is a bad person, or hurtful deliberately type of person. Stepping back and looking at this entire situation, I've become more capable to understanding everything as a whole.
In my life, I've started a new job, began looking for a house, have been working on getting Claire's confidence up regarding her education and violin. We have open houses for 2 high schools next week to see what the upcoming years will be including. She is very excited about that. The one open house she needs to apply for, and the other is a local school, which is on the same campus as the middle school she is in right now. The one school is a Technical school which offers Criminal Justice, and her heart is very much so eager to learn more about this school. The other is a public school and they offer a few programs, but nothing like what the technical school offers. This is the school where most of her current classmates are going to be going to.
Trying to move forward for myself with another person, would be so hard, but I cannot say I don't miss the companionship. I miss having that someone who I can be me around, who I can share things with, and who understands my actual situation because their mature enough to understand it. I also miss the love shared. Listening to country songs and even some others, just brings up the past, because everything is either something Derrick and I listened to at our wedding, or listened to when we were working together in our home. I've had to turn off songs because it still hurts. What sucks about that is, music is my therapy. Then there are songs that have lyrics that make me say to myself, "That kind of man doesn't exist. I'll never find someone like that, so why try?" These thoughts then lead me to pushing the "potential" away because I don't want to get hurt again, and it also makes me have little confidence in myself. I'm sure there are men out there that feel the same way, but taking a chance isn't wanted by me. Trusting someone is going to be nearly impossible. I'm honestly terrified to give someone a chance. In addition to that, I'd have to be social to meet people, and honestly, I'm anything but social in that way. If I'm not hanging out with people I know and enjoy hanging out with, I'm not going to do it. I stick with the familiar, which is probably not the best for everyone, but it's the best for me, at least for as long as I can get away with it.
I've informed Claire that there is no guarantee that she'll be able to stay in the district we're in, so it's always good to have a backup. If the 1st backup does not work, then go to the 2nd backup. I'll always have these backups in line because that's something I do.
I'm now working with a mortgage company and real estate agent to try to get me where I need to be. I've never lived on my own, so I have a lot of research to do and so far I'm getting the help I need to steer me in the right direction. My credit has gone to shit, but my best friend is helping me, which has been great. Being a first time home buyer, there are perks, but my score needs some boosting before getting a mortgage.  This is a Go Fund Me page that I've put together to help with a down payment on a home. Any amount is helpful, if you or anyone you know can help.
Help us build a down payment for a home to call our own.
I'm looking for a mortgage because I cannot/will not part with my pets.
My pets have been both my daughter and I's therapy through the hard times we've faced over the past few months. The silliness that each of them bring to our faces every day is something I cannot live without.
My dad has 44 working days before he gets to retire. He's back to work, and has been since last Sunday. His job has been absolute assholes regarding his light duty restrictions. The first day everything was great, but since then, he has been expected to run 2 machines and has been walking way more than he should be, and also is lifting more than the 10 pound limit which was implemented for his return. He's doing pretty well though, considering. I keep telling him that he's much nicer than I would be, given his situation. There is a lot of B.S. that has been ongoing, but all he's seeing is the ending of this chapter, and he just wants to move forward from there. His foot still swells pretty bad when he's done too much, which causes quite the discomfort level.