Depth of my life

You ever sit and watch something as simple as a game show and get chills? Well tonight I was watching "A minute to win it." with D and saw these twin sisters on there talking about how much they valued their father and how he always made a point to go to all of their games, whether it be volleyball, softball, or basketball. They considered themselves as tomboys with quite the competitive edge. This show the father was said to be at work and so the girls brought their boyfriends along for added support. This game is quite the college kid game and can definitely show off ones talents when it comes to difficult but fun things to do when you have no money. So it makes sense that it's so popular, especially in the economy status.
Anyhow... These girls had gotten up to 5K and shown that they were struggling on getting ziti on a spaghetti noodle. Well, they turned to their boyfriends for added support and then the host showed the girls a video of their dad cheering them on. Giving the girls a speech about how he said they're going to make it and that he believes in them and all of this and that... So they carry on and won the 5K. The next game came along (I forget what it was) and they didn't do well on it, so the host reflected on how great they're doing as did their boyfriends and audience members. The host asked the girls to turn around and there stood the girls father and the girls broke down in tears of joy, so thankful that their father had come to cheer them on. They got all the way to 50K w/out losing another life line once their father was there cheering them on. It was that added support that they had always had even when their father worked two jobs. No matter the circumstance or situation, their father always made it a point to be there for his daughters!
Now, how does this affect me? Well, here's the thing.... The more I look into how strong a daughter's bond is with a father, the more I realize I'm not that golden child that my father should see me as. Yes, every once in a great while I hear, "That's good!" or "Do what you need to do." but more times than not I hear "How's it feel to be raising yourself?" or "Nope, can't help ya." or "Well, what are ya gonna do? Bitching and moaning doesn't get ya anywhere.". So the moral to this is.... Every time I see the happiness of others with their family, I die a little inside. My family is so distant when it comes to "support" and God forbid we use the word "love" in our family. The word love is something I never heard growing up from my father. I rarely heard it from my mom until I was a teenager. As for my brother... I heard "I love you" for the first time from him in February when I went home to surprise him. So, yeah, that bond is really far fetched. It's funny how ONE word can build that bond that should be between the family members.
Here I am now, after all of the years of hearing "Women tend to be in relationships with those who remind them of their father.", however, for me, it's the complete opposite. I have someone who says I love you over and over again within minutes, and shows real compassion and support instead of the beat around the bush type of love. What I did get from my father is the shitty way of communicating my love. I have this issue with expressing myself to the ones I do love because for so long I never knew that love existed.
You know, I turned 30 the other day, I didn't even get a phone call from my father, or brother. I understand my brother being busy and man is his life full of things to get done on a deadline. But, as for my father, I called him the day after my birthday to speak with him about a personal matter and I didn't even get a happy birthday then. I of course didn't tell him it was my birthday because he was on too much of a rant fest about how someone ran into a telephone post and how many problems that caused him. I did get my yearly e-card from my brother, which again, I know he's busy, so for that, I'm thankful he remembered.
I will say this, it's shitty that every time I see a Mom with her daughter enjoying the wedding dress shopping or even just the ability to hang out, I can't help but look at what I've lost. My mom was that supportive crutch, even when we were fighting. No matter what, she made sure that she was a part of my life, and not one day would go by without us acknowledging our faults in our "communication" and try and fix it. Nor would she ever forget my birthday, and it's not just because she was in the delivery room having me, but it was because she loved me entirely and would never turn her back on me even when I was wrong.
I still remember when I first found out that Linda was hiding letters and cards from me when I was living with my Dad and her. I remember how heart broken I felt every birthday I spent away from my mom, and to me there was no communication between us for that special day that she always made me feel special. Then when I found that Linda was hiding all of those letters and cards from me, I seriously wanted to choke her! She not only hid them from me, but she opened each and every piece of my mail as if she was trying to make a statement. From that moment forward, I hated Linda, entirely. I never really cared for her prior to then, but that moment took any kind of respect I may have had away completely. I remember approaching my Dad about this and he said "We did it to protect you." as if my mother was some kind of animal for sending me letters to make sure I was okay, but never got any correspondence from me. But she never gave up sending notes or cards. She kept trying to get a hold of me, even when I didn't write her back. That was the time that ALL bonds really broke apart for my father and I. He defended her for opening everything, and told me I could pack my stuff and leave! I'll never forget that feeling I had on that day--betrayal, favoritism, neglect.
Then when I went to see my Mom for the first time in several years, she picked me and all of my stuff up from the DMV in Bel-Air, MD. and greeted me with arms wide open and it was as if she and I hadn't missed a moment. We picked up right where we left off, we went shopping, had lunch, and I moved in immediately! I lived with my Mom for 2 1/2 years before she passed away in my arms suffering a massive stroke! Unlike any other moment in my life, I had never been more uncertain and fearful as to what my life brought next. I was all of 16 and hadn't spoken to my father since the moment he chose Linda over his own blood. Thoughts were a whirlwind and fears were maximized fearing that I'd either be sent off to social services or back to my father, whom, I was still in pure disappointment with.
Thankfully, my brother stepped up to the plate and took full responsibility for me, but man that was a road that has many potholes. Being that we both just lost our Mom, we were both on edge with one another quite often. I think we spent more time either at work away from one another, or in our bedrooms away from one another than we did even speaking to one another.
After 10 months had passed since Mom had died, I contacted my father and was shocked to be informed that no one had told him about Mom's death. Boy, was he a bitter man for that! I guess with good reason, but in reality why would it matter when he was so far up Linda's ass that Mom being gone should have only been a sure way for him to move on without any kind of interference. I mean heck, this was a woman he had been with for 7 years at that point, and yet still no plans for remarrying. I guess that's what you get when you find your new girlfriend at an AA meeting....
Being that I was still only 17 when I had "reunited" with my Dad, he never once asked me to stay with him to regain ground for myself after the loss of Mom... I should have known then that the compassion would have never grown back completely. Him, bitter because no one informed him of his (still) wife had died, and me, bitter because his girlfriend had interfered with any type of possible trusting relationship between us.
Now, here i sit 13 years later, I had my father walk me down the isle, I've reminded my father of TWO birthdays and all of the rest have been missed since I was a child, I had D meet my father when we first started dating and he actually approved of him, I've been told "I love you" once since I was a child (don't even remember if it was said then) for the father/daughter dance at D and I's wedding, yet I still think of the ways he could change and think of all of the good times and laughs he's given me. While the bad times outweigh the good, I still can't help but see the good in all of the mess that's been created. But, I will say, once again, when I see family being loving, I put up this defense barrier because I feel it's never been something I was surrounded by. Although after that defense barrier is up, I can't help but wish I were able to express love in the same way they are!
And like I said previously, I've been able to marry away from all of that crazy unhappy crap! But, D sees how much it bothers me, and wonders how he can fix it. Man, there are days I wish he could, but then again, like I told him, I don't want him to fix it, I just want it to be RIGHT! and not half-assed!