I rub my scars every night, at least the ones I can rub scar cream onto visible to the naked eye. I can't rub any type of fading cream onto my heart, where it hurts the most. The pain that has been kept hiding in my heart due to your negligence only reveals itself when my eyes when I've relived the moment you took my mobility away. While I see so many others living their lives to their potential, I'm still on recovery leave from work, which cause my thoughts to wander to places that allow me to think of all that led up to this mess. I still have talks with my daughter in regards to the accident. There are many moments I do not remember. From the impact, to the time I heard her scream in the back seat. I know I blacked out from the hit and while it was brief, the fact that it happened at all, is what makes me so unsettled. You gave me a reality check for what driving while impaired could cause to another being. When I awoke from what happened, I couldn't help but feel perhaps it was a fault of my own, not someone else's negligence. I feared that the individual whom hit me was one who actually may have had a health condition. I then was just thankful that you hit me and gave someone else a break from what could have been much much worse for them. Your negligence could have became fatal and then what? You would then be faced with murder charges for your negligence. But, now that you are awake from the accident, you're living your life to the fullest. You're engaged to a girl who loves you despite the problems you have caused others. You've got yourself either a very trusting and loving fiance, or someone who is just dumb. You injured not just another driver, but a child who has never felt more afraid to be in a vehicle than she does now. Our hearts ache everyday when we think about all of the problems you've caused us. Maybe one day you'll wake up, have children, and even be responsible and at that point perhaps you'll understand what it is like to hear a child scream due to someone harming him/her with/without intention. Because, even though it was not your intention to hurt someone that night, you got behind the wheel and allowed yourself to drive while intoxicated. It was a choice that was made and now for the rest of my life I will and my daughter will have that awful moment of terror to remember because it'll be present in our daily activities. You chose to hurt someone, anyone, and the ones you hurt were some of the most responsible individuals. Maybe that is why you were meant to hit us. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I feel this happened for a reason... While I feel that way, it doesn't excuse your behavior.
There is a 12 year old in my house who feels you should be locked up, which I must say, I completely agree. That 12 year old is my daughter and she hurts everyday because of how irresponsible you were that day. My daughter cries a minimum of 2 times a week remembering the accident and how it affected her and I. With your negligence you may have prevented my daughter to ever drink and drive and go home after having 1 too many. Aside from that... you are worthless in her eyes.
We will never forgive your actions because you directly hurt us. In addition to that we'll remember what we can of your poor choice because we're reminded of this all of the time. I'm terrified behind the wheel now, whether being a driver or a passenger in a vehicle. I find myself tense up more than ever before since this accident. You have caused distress for us.
It's sad that my 12 year old daughter has better judgement than a grown "man".
Monday, February 9, 2015
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Doctors appointments
So much has been going on for my health as of late. For the past several months I have been dealing with shakiness which I brought up to my case nurse while discussing the issues which came upon with the accident. My case nurse wanted to make sure I got myself into my physician prior to my Neurosurgeon's appointment so I could figure out what has been going on prior to our next discussion which is after every Neurosurgeon's appointment. So I set a physical up to make sure that I was healthy and that the shakiness wasn't something that may involve diabetes, which runs in my family. My family doctor blood tested me for all of the normal plus Lupus to see where I was with my ANA blood cells. With being in remission, it's something that's never truly gone out of my mind and I have been dealing with many symptoms as I had in the past when I was diagnosed with it 6 years ago. I also got an EKG to make sure I'm not in need of a cardiologist as I had been referred to one previously due to having a rapid heart rate. I was given a referral to a Rheumatologist to monitor my Fibromyalgia because I'm at the max for my medications. The issue with that is that the medication isn't helping as it should be. The problems are that my pain levels are increasing yet my threshold has begun to become less by the day. I worried that it may come to this, but wanted so badly to believe that it's just the sudden weather changes is leaving me more uncomfortable.
Two days after the blood work was ran, I received a phone call stating that I have tested positive for Lupus. However, all of the other blood tests came back great. I was advised to keep my Rheumatology appointment, which is in October, to go to the proper care needed to maintain my health properly. My heart fell to the floor. I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I was informed. Tears began to stream down my face in disbelief. After much research I found that trauma can be to blame for systemic trigger. Very informative article. The reasoning behind the trigger of Lupus for me can be led to the accident. Just something else to put on my plate in my state of mind.
Monday I had my Neurosurgeon appointment and while the progress has been great, it still is far from where it needs to be. My hand looks great. The bones have fused so the pain has minimized and therefore my doctor is thrilled about that... My foot on the other hand has been quite the challenge. My foot is still swollen, sore, and irritating regularly. From the beginning I was told that it could take a year for the swelling to subside, and this appointment confirmed that. I am surprised he didn't yell at me for all that I've been doing. Thankfully he kept his thoughts to a minimal and told me to make an appointment for November. He wanted to see me a year from the accident to make sure I don't need surgery again to get the screws out.
Yes, another surgery may be in my future, just like Claire. Claire's next surgery is going to be August 5 to get the bridge out. Her recovery time is to be 2 weeks. This will allow her to recover prior to going back to school. Claire is actually looking forward to getting the bridge out so she can move past this entire situation.
So all this shit is going on and it all correlates with this damn accident. Yet, the individual who hit us is back to normal. He's not engaged, has a job at a gym which he works out at quite regularly, has been on vacations to Fl with his parents and siblings. It's incredible how he's back to his life, yet we're suffering daily. It truly makes me ill that someone who chose to be irresponsible is better off than Claire or I are.
Frustration to the max has begun.
Two days after the blood work was ran, I received a phone call stating that I have tested positive for Lupus. However, all of the other blood tests came back great. I was advised to keep my Rheumatology appointment, which is in October, to go to the proper care needed to maintain my health properly. My heart fell to the floor. I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I was informed. Tears began to stream down my face in disbelief. After much research I found that trauma can be to blame for systemic trigger. Very informative article. The reasoning behind the trigger of Lupus for me can be led to the accident. Just something else to put on my plate in my state of mind.
Monday I had my Neurosurgeon appointment and while the progress has been great, it still is far from where it needs to be. My hand looks great. The bones have fused so the pain has minimized and therefore my doctor is thrilled about that... My foot on the other hand has been quite the challenge. My foot is still swollen, sore, and irritating regularly. From the beginning I was told that it could take a year for the swelling to subside, and this appointment confirmed that. I am surprised he didn't yell at me for all that I've been doing. Thankfully he kept his thoughts to a minimal and told me to make an appointment for November. He wanted to see me a year from the accident to make sure I don't need surgery again to get the screws out.
Yes, another surgery may be in my future, just like Claire. Claire's next surgery is going to be August 5 to get the bridge out. Her recovery time is to be 2 weeks. This will allow her to recover prior to going back to school. Claire is actually looking forward to getting the bridge out so she can move past this entire situation.
So all this shit is going on and it all correlates with this damn accident. Yet, the individual who hit us is back to normal. He's not engaged, has a job at a gym which he works out at quite regularly, has been on vacations to Fl with his parents and siblings. It's incredible how he's back to his life, yet we're suffering daily. It truly makes me ill that someone who chose to be irresponsible is better off than Claire or I are.
Frustration to the max has begun.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Public Schools
There comes a point in ones life where you can't help but wonder wtf is going on in our school system. I have a child who has been outcasted and picked on for being structured inand out of the home. Claire has had so many problems in every school she has gone to. These past few days have made for some awful comments from fellow students.
Let me just put this out there right now-- I do not always believe my daughter is in the right. In fact, I make sure she's aware of those less fortunate so she doesn't believeeverything is handed out without reasoning or cost. I always inform her that other people have it worse than us. I believe D and I have made sure that she understand others come from broken homes, some parents cannot provide food to their children and sometimes kids only get the meals that their school provides in the AM and for lunch. I always tell her how lucky she is to have both parents are together, all that is hers, is hers to keep, and not to fight over with siblings, and she has her own pets who love her. Many children cannot say the same. I also let her know when she is wrong, she is given punishments for poor choices, and she is listened to but also if word usage is wrong, she is corrected. While that last one may not seem too much of an ordeal, in order for her to speak and write proper, she needs to be corrected.
Now onto the problems she is having. Clairr came home on Thursday and informed us that she was sent to peak. D and I asked why and her response was:
"I argued with a teacher, spoke out of turn, and yelled out at another student." I told her that those actions were unacceptable and I asked why. She continued and said :
"A classmate called me a bastard. I yelled out of turn because I yelled out what did you just call me?"
I gasped in disbelief and was thankful that Claire told me about this happening but was shocked that Claire said that word and it was because she was unaware of the meaning behind that word. I disregarded the action of being sent to peak and just moved forward.
Friday I was at work and received a phone call on my cell phone, which I only check maybe twice during my shift and it is in my cubby. I called D and asked him why Claire's school had called and I was informed that the school was concerned for her well being. D went down to her school and talked with her teacher and guidance counselor. Claire was being picked on at recess, getting punched in her ribs by one girl and Claire made sure she blocked as many punches as she could. Then the child did manage to hit her ribs, called her a bitch and an mf'er then followed that by "I wish you were dead!" Another girl came around the area of the altercation and said the same thing. Finally a child decided to help Claire by flagging down a on duty teacher who was supposed to be monitoring the outdoor activity. Claire then stated that she had thought of hurting herself because of how uncaring they are to her. She feels like she is outnumbered and uncared for.
When this was expressed, the staff was shedding concern for Claire but quickly retreated to stating Claire should be in counseling to have the feeling of hurting herself and that Claire will be talking with her guidance counselor during her lunch period once to twice a week. While I am glad she can have someone to talk to while in school, this would likely be obsolete if the staff would have held their end of the bargin up when they moved her into fifth grade. What was supposed to happen was she would have lunch with the counselor while being able to have an open conversation about how things are going for her and the problems she had and they'd be addressed. So here we are again... Bullying is a type of action that harms children.
Claire is a damn good kid, and honestly I'm about fed up with all of the bullshit that Claire is dealt so regularly. I can't get over how awful school has become. It is awful of this was handled. The children who did the bullying and threats were defended. The staff told Claire she was lucky because the children who are expressing harm are the ones who have no one caring about them. While I agree with Claire being lucky, I am being fed the bullshit of the children's actions are blamed for a childs actions. When children are at thks age group, they are capable of making their own decisions. While I agree that some of the choices are unrealistic, this age knows right from wrong.
What is aggravating for me is this:
Claire is in fear at school because of these girls who seem to get worse by the day.
Kids seem to be so hurtful to one another and its quite bothersome. The severity continues to worsen.
The way to resolve the problems with the children who've messed with her, per the school is to avoid them. Because that is so simple for a child who sits near the problem and threats are becoming severe. .....not!
Let me just put this out there right now-- I do not always believe my daughter is in the right. In fact, I make sure she's aware of those less fortunate so she doesn't believeeverything is handed out without reasoning or cost. I always inform her that other people have it worse than us. I believe D and I have made sure that she understand others come from broken homes, some parents cannot provide food to their children and sometimes kids only get the meals that their school provides in the AM and for lunch. I always tell her how lucky she is to have both parents are together, all that is hers, is hers to keep, and not to fight over with siblings, and she has her own pets who love her. Many children cannot say the same. I also let her know when she is wrong, she is given punishments for poor choices, and she is listened to but also if word usage is wrong, she is corrected. While that last one may not seem too much of an ordeal, in order for her to speak and write proper, she needs to be corrected.
Now onto the problems she is having. Clairr came home on Thursday and informed us that she was sent to peak. D and I asked why and her response was:
"I argued with a teacher, spoke out of turn, and yelled out at another student." I told her that those actions were unacceptable and I asked why. She continued and said :
"A classmate called me a bastard. I yelled out of turn because I yelled out what did you just call me?"
I gasped in disbelief and was thankful that Claire told me about this happening but was shocked that Claire said that word and it was because she was unaware of the meaning behind that word. I disregarded the action of being sent to peak and just moved forward.
Friday I was at work and received a phone call on my cell phone, which I only check maybe twice during my shift and it is in my cubby. I called D and asked him why Claire's school had called and I was informed that the school was concerned for her well being. D went down to her school and talked with her teacher and guidance counselor. Claire was being picked on at recess, getting punched in her ribs by one girl and Claire made sure she blocked as many punches as she could. Then the child did manage to hit her ribs, called her a bitch and an mf'er then followed that by "I wish you were dead!" Another girl came around the area of the altercation and said the same thing. Finally a child decided to help Claire by flagging down a on duty teacher who was supposed to be monitoring the outdoor activity. Claire then stated that she had thought of hurting herself because of how uncaring they are to her. She feels like she is outnumbered and uncared for.
When this was expressed, the staff was shedding concern for Claire but quickly retreated to stating Claire should be in counseling to have the feeling of hurting herself and that Claire will be talking with her guidance counselor during her lunch period once to twice a week. While I am glad she can have someone to talk to while in school, this would likely be obsolete if the staff would have held their end of the bargin up when they moved her into fifth grade. What was supposed to happen was she would have lunch with the counselor while being able to have an open conversation about how things are going for her and the problems she had and they'd be addressed. So here we are again... Bullying is a type of action that harms children.
Claire is a damn good kid, and honestly I'm about fed up with all of the bullshit that Claire is dealt so regularly. I can't get over how awful school has become. It is awful of this was handled. The children who did the bullying and threats were defended. The staff told Claire she was lucky because the children who are expressing harm are the ones who have no one caring about them. While I agree with Claire being lucky, I am being fed the bullshit of the children's actions are blamed for a childs actions. When children are at thks age group, they are capable of making their own decisions. While I agree that some of the choices are unrealistic, this age knows right from wrong.
What is aggravating for me is this:
Claire is in fear at school because of these girls who seem to get worse by the day.
Kids seem to be so hurtful to one another and its quite bothersome. The severity continues to worsen.
The way to resolve the problems with the children who've messed with her, per the school is to avoid them. Because that is so simple for a child who sits near the problem and threats are becoming severe. .....not!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Thank You!
Dear Family and Friends,
I want to take this time to thank all of you for the wonderful support we've received from you all. This years tail end has been super difficult and we couldn't have made it through without all of the good vibes and prayers sent our way. While there are still months worth of healing ahead, there is definite progress in the right direction. We feared that Claire would not have a Christmas this year due to the car accident. With me still out of work, and the time D had to take off to care for us, we have been extremely stretched in the funds department.
I couldn't be more grateful to all of your assistance in moving my life forward. You guys are great and I see the smile on Claire's face when she looks at our Christmas tree. She sees hope, happiness, and enjoyment while looking at those flickering lights which rest on our tree. With the help of a friends church for food and several great pieces of clothing and a piece of electronics she's desired for a long time,and a friend, his family, and work helping chip in for something Claire has been itching to have for 6+ months, my brother helping with food and an activity to keep her busy and entertained, and for all of the others who've helped us while snow was pounding us, our wonderful neighbors clearing pathways to ensure we don't get sued for slip and falls. The people we've surrounded ourselves with, and the people who've come up out of the woodwork in the most needed times, I love you all.
Even though I did not send out Christmas cards this year, I hope you all know that I am thinking of you and I appreciate each and every one of you! You've all shown me such great gratitude during our struggles and all of us are very appreciative.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Love,
Val
I want to take this time to thank all of you for the wonderful support we've received from you all. This years tail end has been super difficult and we couldn't have made it through without all of the good vibes and prayers sent our way. While there are still months worth of healing ahead, there is definite progress in the right direction. We feared that Claire would not have a Christmas this year due to the car accident. With me still out of work, and the time D had to take off to care for us, we have been extremely stretched in the funds department.
I couldn't be more grateful to all of your assistance in moving my life forward. You guys are great and I see the smile on Claire's face when she looks at our Christmas tree. She sees hope, happiness, and enjoyment while looking at those flickering lights which rest on our tree. With the help of a friends church for food and several great pieces of clothing and a piece of electronics she's desired for a long time,and a friend, his family, and work helping chip in for something Claire has been itching to have for 6+ months, my brother helping with food and an activity to keep her busy and entertained, and for all of the others who've helped us while snow was pounding us, our wonderful neighbors clearing pathways to ensure we don't get sued for slip and falls. The people we've surrounded ourselves with, and the people who've come up out of the woodwork in the most needed times, I love you all.
Even though I did not send out Christmas cards this year, I hope you all know that I am thinking of you and I appreciate each and every one of you! You've all shown me such great gratitude during our struggles and all of us are very appreciative.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Love,
Val
Friday, December 13, 2013
*Sigh*
I never in a million years thought I'd be involved in a car accident. I surely never believed that I'd have such an outcome. My daughter having a fractured clavicle at such a young age, not sports related never ever crossed my mind. I am thankful that she is doing well. She's near the end of her treatment, and I'm still feeling like I am at the beginning of this mess.
I can't believe one persons negligence caused my family so much pain. 5 broken toes and torn tendons, and 1 broken finger. Yes, sure it could have been worse, and I'm thankful that it's not, but I, if you know me at all you know this, am a control freak. I have things lined up appropriately and expect things to go that way. I can't stand not having the ability to get done even the small things. Before this accident I could get this house cleaned in one day. Now I can't do just the pets cages in that amount of time. I have to split things up so that I don't over-stress myself. I guess I took for granted just how capable of things I was. Now I am winded just going from my bedroom to the bathroom. The pains associated with everything limits me.
I worry so much what the outcome will be for this injury. I'm not too concerned about my hand, as I am my foot. I am so worried that my ability at work could be compromised due to all of the walking I do at my job. I'm sure they'll work with me, but I worry if they won't. I finally got into my field, and this happens? I love my job, and all of the people who I work with. Not many people can say that. I worked my ass off to get the schooling needed to get into my field and yet, something like this may be a game changer.
I feel like I'm disabled. Not just temporarily. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything to get where I need to be in my life. This is placing a giant damper on my husband, too. He's starting to realize how hard this is for me and he's being placed with a lot more responsibility. He never realized just how hard it was that I worked to keep the house up, go to work, and take care of the animals, until this injury had been placed upon us.
I'm angry!! I can't get over how someone can drink and drive. So intoxicated that he was taken from the sign in life threatening conditions and wreck others' lives. There is still nothing that indicates that the man who hit my truck is alive or comatose. No citation has been issued. My understanding is, the only reason he would not be cited is if he could not be conscious to sign off on it. Was that drink really worth all of this, motorist?
Here it is Christmas and my family is living off of one paycheck. Not to say I'm not thankful for that paycheck, but it is to say that has cut half of what we bring into this house. Even though I've never been materialistic, I don't believe it's fair to take Christmas from a child and family due to negligence of another driver. I feel that our family is blessed for all we have, but soon the bills are going to come in and we are going to be lost sinking.
I can't believe one persons negligence caused my family so much pain. 5 broken toes and torn tendons, and 1 broken finger. Yes, sure it could have been worse, and I'm thankful that it's not, but I, if you know me at all you know this, am a control freak. I have things lined up appropriately and expect things to go that way. I can't stand not having the ability to get done even the small things. Before this accident I could get this house cleaned in one day. Now I can't do just the pets cages in that amount of time. I have to split things up so that I don't over-stress myself. I guess I took for granted just how capable of things I was. Now I am winded just going from my bedroom to the bathroom. The pains associated with everything limits me.
I worry so much what the outcome will be for this injury. I'm not too concerned about my hand, as I am my foot. I am so worried that my ability at work could be compromised due to all of the walking I do at my job. I'm sure they'll work with me, but I worry if they won't. I finally got into my field, and this happens? I love my job, and all of the people who I work with. Not many people can say that. I worked my ass off to get the schooling needed to get into my field and yet, something like this may be a game changer.
I feel like I'm disabled. Not just temporarily. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything to get where I need to be in my life. This is placing a giant damper on my husband, too. He's starting to realize how hard this is for me and he's being placed with a lot more responsibility. He never realized just how hard it was that I worked to keep the house up, go to work, and take care of the animals, until this injury had been placed upon us.
I'm angry!! I can't get over how someone can drink and drive. So intoxicated that he was taken from the sign in life threatening conditions and wreck others' lives. There is still nothing that indicates that the man who hit my truck is alive or comatose. No citation has been issued. My understanding is, the only reason he would not be cited is if he could not be conscious to sign off on it. Was that drink really worth all of this, motorist?
Here it is Christmas and my family is living off of one paycheck. Not to say I'm not thankful for that paycheck, but it is to say that has cut half of what we bring into this house. Even though I've never been materialistic, I don't believe it's fair to take Christmas from a child and family due to negligence of another driver. I feel that our family is blessed for all we have, but soon the bills are going to come in and we are going to be lost sinking.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Sometimes.... I just feel.... left behind...
As Claire and I sit down to watch our weekly show, D is sleeping. Not out of intentional avoidance, but because it's burnt out from all of his studies and work. By the time he comes home it's like he disconnects from all of what is within this home. If he doesn't go to sleep he goes and begins homework that he then follows by sleeping. He works his ass off and I get that, but it's starting to play a role in our own personal life. I feel so neglected at times that it's almost like I can't even respond to the negativity. Being home for the four day period I was off for birthdays, we seriously spent such little time together that it kind of makes me want to go back to work so that I can place focus on my career, and have conversations with another adult. It honestly hurts me to feel this way. I know the love is there, but there are moments where I wonder how deep it runs. We've had discussions about this, so it's not that this is foreign to him, or Claire. Both of them are aware of how I feel. I just feel it's overlooked and forgotten that time together is real time, not just an occupancy. Meh.
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