My life has changed in ways I never thought possible. As a child, I saw how my parents were unhappy as a married couple which trickled down to us kids seeing many negatives growing up. With seeing the unimaginable, I always stated I wouldn't get married because I didn't want to go down that road of hurt and betrayal. I was told I'd never be able to have children because I have genetic blood disorders which intervene with being able to conceive and carry a child. I even miscarried once which basically gave me confirmation that it'd be dangerous to my well being and the child's that I'd potentially be carrying, as well.
That all changed when I met Derrick. I, of course, had many trust issues, along with being very skeptical regarding a potential future for our lives. Somehow we did all of the unthinkable for me, I had a beautiful baby girl, without a lot of complications, and we got married 4 year into our relationship. Nothing of our relationship was traditional. We moved in together 6 weeks after meeting, got engaged 6 months after being together, had our daughter 2 years 9 months after being together, and got married 4 years 3 months after being together.
Neither of us knew where our lives were going when we got together, but we build our lives off of each other, making every moment as memorable as possible. Career paths were uncertain, Derrick had many talents in Art and was great with Mathematics, but was never interested nor did he have enough confidence in his talents to turn them into something career wise. I had many loves, but was uncertain with which path to go down for myself. I, too, lacked the confidence in my mind to pursue any type of career path. I loved Floral designing, Animal Science, Medical Assisting, Psychology, and Child Development. I had difficulty narrowing my loves down, and didn't have the money to try everything out to play the process of elimination game.
Derrick and I had some bumps down the road, but many relationships do and it's not fair to expect that relationships were all happy and lovey. I had many medical issues, which definitely caused some lack of affection on my behalf, and I'm sure that didn't help in the way of encouragement and confidence for Derrick. I have hormone issues which causes issues internally, which are unfixable. I also had some confidence issues from previous relationships, which made me have quite the wall up for many years, fearing the worst would occur.
My family loved Derrick when I introduced him to them. Even my brother, who was very protective of me, accepted Derrick into our family. It was hard for me to take part in Derrick's family because of the loss of my mom. I kept my distance because I feared if I didn't I'd become close, and then lose her as well. Derrick's dad and I were pretty cool with one another, as was Derrick's brother, Justin. The sisters of Derrick weren't the easiest to get along with, mainly because I didn't grow up with sisters and I had low tolerance for many statements said.
Our relationship was strong, consistent, and loyal. Something I never thought I'd have in my life. My daughter had her normal highs and lows, but together we made it through, helping one another as the harder times occurred and enjoying life when things weren't so hectic.
Never did I imagine I'd be sitting here 17 years from when we first met, filing papers for divorce and separating our belongings while Derrick is still stationed in Ohio waiting the word of when/if he'll be able to move on with his life and into Maryland where his family is. Being the circumstance, Claire will forever be in my custody, which honestly, we've been one another's rock through this situation.
I'm thankful that Claire has gotten past the point of needing space from Derrick and is finally talking to him, on her own terms. For a while, she wanted space, no words spoken, and was unaware that she still had the opportunity to speak with him. For the longest time, I too, was unaware that she and he could speak to one another. They now talk regularly and I'm thankful that she can utilize the chances of informing him of what's going on in her life. The situation sucks, but I will never take the chance of still being a part of Derrick's life, because every child needs their parent, as long as the situation that has been presented isn't involving Claire directly. Claire understands a lot more now that I've made sure she hears the entire story. I never wanted to be that parent who stood in between a child and their parent. If Claire wants and is still able to communicate with Derrick, I will not take that from her. It's not that Derrick is a bad person, or hurtful deliberately type of person. Stepping back and looking at this entire situation, I've become more capable to understanding everything as a whole.
In my life, I've started a new job, began looking for a house, have been working on getting Claire's confidence up regarding her education and violin. We have open houses for 2 high schools next week to see what the upcoming years will be including. She is very excited about that. The one open house she needs to apply for, and the other is a local school, which is on the same campus as the middle school she is in right now. The one school is a Technical school which offers Criminal Justice, and her heart is very much so eager to learn more about this school. The other is a public school and they offer a few programs, but nothing like what the technical school offers. This is the school where most of her current classmates are going to be going to.
Trying to move forward for myself with another person, would be so hard, but I cannot say I don't miss the companionship. I miss having that someone who I can be me around, who I can share things with, and who understands my actual situation because their mature enough to understand it. I also miss the love shared. Listening to country songs and even some others, just brings up the past, because everything is either something Derrick and I listened to at our wedding, or listened to when we were working together in our home. I've had to turn off songs because it still hurts. What sucks about that is, music is my therapy. Then there are songs that have lyrics that make me say to myself, "That kind of man doesn't exist. I'll never find someone like that, so why try?" These thoughts then lead me to pushing the "potential" away because I don't want to get hurt again, and it also makes me have little confidence in myself. I'm sure there are men out there that feel the same way, but taking a chance isn't wanted by me. Trusting someone is going to be nearly impossible. I'm honestly terrified to give someone a chance. In addition to that, I'd have to be social to meet people, and honestly, I'm anything but social in that way. If I'm not hanging out with people I know and enjoy hanging out with, I'm not going to do it. I stick with the familiar, which is probably not the best for everyone, but it's the best for me, at least for as long as I can get away with it.
I've informed Claire that there is no guarantee that she'll be able to stay in the district we're in, so it's always good to have a backup. If the 1st backup does not work, then go to the 2nd backup. I'll always have these backups in line because that's something I do.
I'm now working with a mortgage company and real estate agent to try to get me where I need to be. I've never lived on my own, so I have a lot of research to do and so far I'm getting the help I need to steer me in the right direction. My credit has gone to shit, but my best friend is helping me, which has been great. Being a first time home buyer, there are perks, but my score needs some boosting before getting a mortgage. This is a Go Fund Me page that I've put together to help with a down payment on a home. Any amount is helpful, if you or anyone you know can help.
Help us build a down payment for a home to call our own.
I'm looking for a mortgage because I cannot/will not part with my pets.
My pets have been both my daughter and I's therapy through the hard times we've faced over the past few months. The silliness that each of them bring to our faces every day is something I cannot live without.
My dad has 44 working days before he gets to retire. He's back to work, and has been since last Sunday. His job has been absolute assholes regarding his light duty restrictions. The first day everything was great, but since then, he has been expected to run 2 machines and has been walking way more than he should be, and also is lifting more than the 10 pound limit which was implemented for his return. He's doing pretty well though, considering. I keep telling him that he's much nicer than I would be, given his situation. There is a lot of B.S. that has been ongoing, but all he's seeing is the ending of this chapter, and he just wants to move forward from there. His foot still swells pretty bad when he's done too much, which causes quite the discomfort level.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Was I blind, hopeful, or just dumb?
Many of you who are reading this are aware of the situation which occurred August of 2015 with my family. No matter how many people walked away from me, or I walked away from, I didn't give up on my marriage. I fought for the sake of knowing depression can cause some abnormal behavior which could cause the situation at hand, then. Now here I am nearing 2 years post the trauma which was presented with the best daughter a parent could ask for, the most supportive father and his significant other, and many of those who did stand beside me even though they did not agree with my choices. I'm very thankful for them to have seen me through and seen the transition that's been happening over these past months.
As things stand, my husband can now not set foot in the house my Dad made a home for us. D is not allowed to have any contact with Claire until she's 18. D has been in Ohio now since February, when the sentencing was given. I went with D to Ohio because when going, we were uncertain if jail time would have to occur. After a week of lost wages, not seeing my daughter, and not being able to care for my furbabies, I had to leave to resume my everyday life.
At first, things were very challenging for me at home without him here. Since he only worked part-time, he made the home life simple. Dinner was made when I'd get home from work, the pets were let in and out at all times of the day, and Claire was helped with her homework as she needed. Then as his stay continued to be extended, I learned how to manage household duties and be a full-time employee. I'm still struggling with fitting in my homework because of exhaustion following everything, but slowly I'm trying to find a routine that works best for my schedule.
As D was away from the house for months and months, Claire and I became more adjusted to what life is or would have been without D being here. It sucked, yes, but at the same time, we prepared ourselves for the possible outcome of him not coming home. After so many hours of reading the probable outcomes from situations like these, it made me realize the months that he's been kept there, the reason behind the length of time is likely due to how much information they were trying to obtain prior to allowing any type of communication with him or his probation officer in Ohio.
My dad called me to let me know he was contacted by a PO here in PA and they required he be at the house to meet with them so that he was aware of the situation and what it would entail if he was ever to set foot in this home again. So, on the day the PO was here, I happened to be off and we sat and talked about everything. My dad was unaware of the excessive charges which were placed on D. This was mainly because until late January, I was unaware of them as well. I knew the counts, I knew that minors were involved, but I did not know much passed that. When Claire, D's mom, and myself went to a court hearing, the prosecutor read off all of the counts placed against him and it dropped my heart and Claire's. When we came home from that, I informed Dad that there were things that I wished I hadn't heard. I didn't go much further than that though. So, when this PO came over the details were reread to my Dad. It was like reliving everything all over again. I knew it was going to happen and I had prepared myself for it, but honestly, it didn't do any good for me. Overall though, my Dad was shocked at what was shared with us. The PO was very polite, concise, and had empathy toward us. She said, the first question I have to ask is "Does a minor live here?" And our response was of course, she's 14. She then stated, "That first question's answer was enough to deny him from entering this state."
From that point, I informed D of this and told him he could never set foot in this house. He stated that he would be applying to go into Maryland then, so he could be with his family there. I'm glad he's got his family there, and the support he needs, but I'm uncertain of how far he'll be able to go with that. All but 1 sister, and his mom, have children under the age of 18. I'm not sure how strict Maryland is on such situations, but if they're anything like PA, I'm not optimistic on him getting into Maryland, either.
About 1 week prior to all of the madness coming ashore with D not being able to come back to PA, my heart and head began thinking of all of the crap that has been dealt. I prepared myself of him not being able to come back and informed him that "I cannot fully love someone that I cannot trust." We'd been together for 17 years. Just sweeping that under the rug is impossible, but the realization of my lack of trust is what really made my head and heart understand one another. Ever since the reading of the charges in January, I couldn't get that out of my head. I'd hear them over and over, and that wasn't something I could shake. It was not my intention to break his heart, or make him feel like I've ruined him, it was for me to be the individual I need to be, for our daughter. So, with that being said, we started taking a break which had been mentioned to lead to a divorce.
Once the PO came here, it made everything concrete. I began to realize that there's no going back now. I'm not pulling Claire from a school that she's doing well in to move to a place where he may be able to live with his child and I. That place being, the only place that did the verdict and sentencing, Ohio. She was very unhappy there, and she's build a life here that does not have to remind her of the most prominent memory she has--watching her father get arrested and taken away from us. That is an occurrence which will stick in her head for the rest of her life, I'm certain.
So, now here I am with a zoo of pets, a daughter who has had very bad depression (suicidal at times), loss of Claire's God-mom and my nephew and niece and (like) Sister because of where this situation lead us, and never getting an actual break because I'm now "single".
So if there are any of my friends who walked away (rightfully so), who are reading this, feel free to contact me again. I'm not sorry for giving everything a second chance, but if I had known everything at first, I would have walked away too.
As things stand, my husband can now not set foot in the house my Dad made a home for us. D is not allowed to have any contact with Claire until she's 18. D has been in Ohio now since February, when the sentencing was given. I went with D to Ohio because when going, we were uncertain if jail time would have to occur. After a week of lost wages, not seeing my daughter, and not being able to care for my furbabies, I had to leave to resume my everyday life.
At first, things were very challenging for me at home without him here. Since he only worked part-time, he made the home life simple. Dinner was made when I'd get home from work, the pets were let in and out at all times of the day, and Claire was helped with her homework as she needed. Then as his stay continued to be extended, I learned how to manage household duties and be a full-time employee. I'm still struggling with fitting in my homework because of exhaustion following everything, but slowly I'm trying to find a routine that works best for my schedule.
As D was away from the house for months and months, Claire and I became more adjusted to what life is or would have been without D being here. It sucked, yes, but at the same time, we prepared ourselves for the possible outcome of him not coming home. After so many hours of reading the probable outcomes from situations like these, it made me realize the months that he's been kept there, the reason behind the length of time is likely due to how much information they were trying to obtain prior to allowing any type of communication with him or his probation officer in Ohio.
My dad called me to let me know he was contacted by a PO here in PA and they required he be at the house to meet with them so that he was aware of the situation and what it would entail if he was ever to set foot in this home again. So, on the day the PO was here, I happened to be off and we sat and talked about everything. My dad was unaware of the excessive charges which were placed on D. This was mainly because until late January, I was unaware of them as well. I knew the counts, I knew that minors were involved, but I did not know much passed that. When Claire, D's mom, and myself went to a court hearing, the prosecutor read off all of the counts placed against him and it dropped my heart and Claire's. When we came home from that, I informed Dad that there were things that I wished I hadn't heard. I didn't go much further than that though. So, when this PO came over the details were reread to my Dad. It was like reliving everything all over again. I knew it was going to happen and I had prepared myself for it, but honestly, it didn't do any good for me. Overall though, my Dad was shocked at what was shared with us. The PO was very polite, concise, and had empathy toward us. She said, the first question I have to ask is "Does a minor live here?" And our response was of course, she's 14. She then stated, "That first question's answer was enough to deny him from entering this state."
From that point, I informed D of this and told him he could never set foot in this house. He stated that he would be applying to go into Maryland then, so he could be with his family there. I'm glad he's got his family there, and the support he needs, but I'm uncertain of how far he'll be able to go with that. All but 1 sister, and his mom, have children under the age of 18. I'm not sure how strict Maryland is on such situations, but if they're anything like PA, I'm not optimistic on him getting into Maryland, either.
About 1 week prior to all of the madness coming ashore with D not being able to come back to PA, my heart and head began thinking of all of the crap that has been dealt. I prepared myself of him not being able to come back and informed him that "I cannot fully love someone that I cannot trust." We'd been together for 17 years. Just sweeping that under the rug is impossible, but the realization of my lack of trust is what really made my head and heart understand one another. Ever since the reading of the charges in January, I couldn't get that out of my head. I'd hear them over and over, and that wasn't something I could shake. It was not my intention to break his heart, or make him feel like I've ruined him, it was for me to be the individual I need to be, for our daughter. So, with that being said, we started taking a break which had been mentioned to lead to a divorce.
Once the PO came here, it made everything concrete. I began to realize that there's no going back now. I'm not pulling Claire from a school that she's doing well in to move to a place where he may be able to live with his child and I. That place being, the only place that did the verdict and sentencing, Ohio. She was very unhappy there, and she's build a life here that does not have to remind her of the most prominent memory she has--watching her father get arrested and taken away from us. That is an occurrence which will stick in her head for the rest of her life, I'm certain.
So, now here I am with a zoo of pets, a daughter who has had very bad depression (suicidal at times), loss of Claire's God-mom and my nephew and niece and (like) Sister because of where this situation lead us, and never getting an actual break because I'm now "single".
So if there are any of my friends who walked away (rightfully so), who are reading this, feel free to contact me again. I'm not sorry for giving everything a second chance, but if I had known everything at first, I would have walked away too.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Words cannot describe the amazingness this furbaby has. Jaw's parents are amazing and are doing anything possible to take care of their precious, handsome man. If there is anyone who could help toward the surgery costs and additional veterinary care Mr. Jaws will have to undergo in these upcoming weeks, it would be greatly appreciated! If you can't donate, spreading the word is also very helpful! Thanks everyone!
Jaw's Medical costs--Banfield and PetER Patient
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Parenthood
I knew this day would come. The one that makes you realize you're a parent to a teenager. No matter the amount of wrong that is done, it's never their fault, nor do they remember why they should apologize for the action in which has sent you to the point of not talking for 4+ days.
Failing grades, lack of respect, and being two-faced shouldn't be anything to apologize about, right? Her grades up until this point (because like normal, she's not giving a shit until it's this late in the year), have been so poor that we received a letter from school stating that if she doesn't get her grades up, she will be held back. This is the first year we've ever received this type of notification, but she has always been like this. Finally, this year, the grading system has changed. Things aren't as simple as they once were. This year of grading has changed to an accumulative percentage for all quarters. Where-as, previous years the grades were done by the quarter. So you could fail 3 of the 4 quarters and as long as your last quarter was passed, you could move forward onto the next grade.
Claire's a smart girl. She's got the brains to go far. However, she's too worried about her girlfriend, friends, and having social hour instead of instructional time.
I have come to a point with her that, she needs to know what it's like to not have her parents hold her hand and push her to do what is necessary for her because when I do that, she gets to take credit for something she should had done from the very beginning... FOCUS and TRY! She's 13 now, even though she sometimes acts much younger than that and other times acts much older.
I feel we all make our own destiny. I will support anyone who puts forth effort. I will fight for Claire until the end of time, as long as it's not her who is in the wrong. The drama, lack of care, disrespect, and still thinking everything is fine, is just unacceptable.
I'm a mom-I do my best to show her how life can be both great and hard-Overall, life is what you make it. The more challenges you take on, the harder it'll become, but the better outcome can make you realize you can take on those hurtles in the future and excel. I don't promote laziness, nor do I expect the best to come from laziness. I feel if you don't challenge yourself, you get no where.
One day, Claire will see this for herself and understand that life isn't all about procrastinating.
Failing grades, lack of respect, and being two-faced shouldn't be anything to apologize about, right? Her grades up until this point (because like normal, she's not giving a shit until it's this late in the year), have been so poor that we received a letter from school stating that if she doesn't get her grades up, she will be held back. This is the first year we've ever received this type of notification, but she has always been like this. Finally, this year, the grading system has changed. Things aren't as simple as they once were. This year of grading has changed to an accumulative percentage for all quarters. Where-as, previous years the grades were done by the quarter. So you could fail 3 of the 4 quarters and as long as your last quarter was passed, you could move forward onto the next grade.
Claire's a smart girl. She's got the brains to go far. However, she's too worried about her girlfriend, friends, and having social hour instead of instructional time.
I have come to a point with her that, she needs to know what it's like to not have her parents hold her hand and push her to do what is necessary for her because when I do that, she gets to take credit for something she should had done from the very beginning... FOCUS and TRY! She's 13 now, even though she sometimes acts much younger than that and other times acts much older.
I feel we all make our own destiny. I will support anyone who puts forth effort. I will fight for Claire until the end of time, as long as it's not her who is in the wrong. The drama, lack of care, disrespect, and still thinking everything is fine, is just unacceptable.
I'm a mom-I do my best to show her how life can be both great and hard-Overall, life is what you make it. The more challenges you take on, the harder it'll become, but the better outcome can make you realize you can take on those hurtles in the future and excel. I don't promote laziness, nor do I expect the best to come from laziness. I feel if you don't challenge yourself, you get no where.
One day, Claire will see this for herself and understand that life isn't all about procrastinating.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
General
Even when I'm upset in such a way that I cannot get words together to explain the exact words together, I look to my animals and they make me smile. Their goofiness, happiness, unconditional love, and presence makes me smile not only on the outside, but in my heart as well. Trust me, there are many days when I feel like I just need to take a breather, some time away from all of the craziness that had happened earlier that day, or any other days past.
I have no idea what I'd do without my pets. Heck, all and all, I don't know where I'd be without animals in general. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I loved animals in a way that I could never love a human. The fact that animals don't lie, cheat, steal (unless they're being naughty), or make you feel worse by their presence, is amazing.
I know I'm in the right line of work, because working with animals makes me so thankful to come home to my own animals. I won't lie, there are some really rough days when I feel drained for situations which are of course out of my control, at work. Seeing pets daily who suffer from primary epilepsy along with so many other seizure and pain related problems opens my eyes to how lucky I am to have my girls waiting for me at home. Working in the veterinary field, as closely as I do, can either make you or break you. Thankfully, for me, it's making me into a stronger person. However, for some, it's not that simple.
Psychological Stress and Veterinarians
Veterinary care is not for everyone, that's for sure. This field gives you so many mixed emotions throughout the day. Coming home and being asked how my day was, is definitely hard to sort the good and bad. Thankfully, even though I had no idea that it was possible, the good outweighs the bad. At least for me that is. Many people can't see the positive through the euthanasia's, seizures, lack of brain, and so many other sad points. As for me, I look at the factors as to what can be done, or what cannot be done. There are treatment plans for such sad cases. Some of which are quite expensive, but then others that may be temporary fixes, at least usually the owner has an option to what the next step is and at that point, may or may not have the ability to spend some extra time with them. It's crazy just how much money people will put into their pets. Those who don't even have the ability to pay much, still come in out of concern and worry. While consults aren't exactly the most affordable, it does give a peace of mind to know what the next steps can be.
My knowledge grows by the day with my field. I have so many great people who help me with understanding the specific area of Neurology.
All and all, in the end, I couldn't be happier with where I am in life. I'm so happy with all that surrounds me. Through the tough times, the other times feel like they weren't so bad after all.
I have no idea what I'd do without my pets. Heck, all and all, I don't know where I'd be without animals in general. Ever since I was a kid, I knew I loved animals in a way that I could never love a human. The fact that animals don't lie, cheat, steal (unless they're being naughty), or make you feel worse by their presence, is amazing.
I know I'm in the right line of work, because working with animals makes me so thankful to come home to my own animals. I won't lie, there are some really rough days when I feel drained for situations which are of course out of my control, at work. Seeing pets daily who suffer from primary epilepsy along with so many other seizure and pain related problems opens my eyes to how lucky I am to have my girls waiting for me at home. Working in the veterinary field, as closely as I do, can either make you or break you. Thankfully, for me, it's making me into a stronger person. However, for some, it's not that simple.
Psychological Stress and Veterinarians
Veterinary care is not for everyone, that's for sure. This field gives you so many mixed emotions throughout the day. Coming home and being asked how my day was, is definitely hard to sort the good and bad. Thankfully, even though I had no idea that it was possible, the good outweighs the bad. At least for me that is. Many people can't see the positive through the euthanasia's, seizures, lack of brain, and so many other sad points. As for me, I look at the factors as to what can be done, or what cannot be done. There are treatment plans for such sad cases. Some of which are quite expensive, but then others that may be temporary fixes, at least usually the owner has an option to what the next step is and at that point, may or may not have the ability to spend some extra time with them. It's crazy just how much money people will put into their pets. Those who don't even have the ability to pay much, still come in out of concern and worry. While consults aren't exactly the most affordable, it does give a peace of mind to know what the next steps can be.
All and all, in the end, I couldn't be happier with where I am in life. I'm so happy with all that surrounds me. Through the tough times, the other times feel like they weren't so bad after all.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Update
It's been a while since I last wrote. Things were quite chaotic within the last post, so I'm going to do a follow up on what our lives have become in the past few months.
Things have changed in a drastic way for our family. Depression is being managed by medication and counseling. The counseling has shown much improvement overall. We've been able to be open with one another now more than ever. Communication is much better than suppressing the feelings inside. It's incredible how much one person can seem so calm, cool, and collective, yet their insides are screaming. Depression when not treated, is suicide in the waiting.
As for an overall for our family, things have improved in such a way that was never imaginable. Claire has finally felt comfortable to speak and ask for help from her father. This is a huge step because most times Claire avoided him because he was never approachable before.
My work is going very well. I love who I work for/with and what I do. I've never been happier than I am now in a "job". This is a career path I know I work best in. Working in Neurology has broadened my knowledge within my field and the people I work with have been incredibly supportive and informative. I love my direct department manager. Words can not explain just how amazing I feel regarding my work....and home life. Things are so much better than they've ever been for me.
Claire is struggling with school this year. She's working hard right now to try and make up for her lack of ability in certain classes, but we're unsure if she'll be able to move forward at this point. We have her enrolled in tutoring 2 times a week to help with understanding material she's struggling most with. Claire has been having a rough year because her best friend moved out of the county and is not too close to us for visiting regularly. Plus there were some additional emotions which she had to experience which she had never felt before, which made it even more difficult to handle. This year in school really has her thrown for a loop.
Hubby is back in school. He's completing his degree and should be done by spring of next year. Perhaps earlier, depending on the ability to take additional classes. He's happy, stable minded, and has learned how to love life a bit more than ever before.
I am looking into furthering my education, but haven't dedicated myself to it entirely, yet. Right now I'm shopping around per say to find the right time and path. I'm looking into furthering my abilities within the Veterinary field. There is no other place I'd ever rather be, field wise. I would like to expand my knowledge so that IF we were to move, I'd be able to get a job easier.
Family means everything to me right now. I'm so thankful that I've had my Dad's support in everything that's gone on in the past because that helps everyone in my family. Dad even drove out to my house and stayed with us for 5 days over Christmas break and got to enjoy Christmas with us. Words cannot express just how much my Dad's visiting meant to us. It was the first Christmas I had spent with my dad since I was a very young child. It meant so much!
I'm very disappointed with how many people have walked away from me. I am surprised that those who've claimed to love me for so long, took a 1 way ticket away from my family without knowing/understanding the flip side of the story. Just because I'm being ignored and pushed away, doesn't mean that I don't think of you all often. When something major happened in the lives of those who've walked away from me, I was there. I listened to everything, all sides, and gave a chance that'd be equal to or more than what has gone on, on my end. Not only did you all walk away from me, but you walked away from my daughter, and my husband. Giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes will show you just how much you can open up.
Smile when you can, love who you can, be who you are, never judge until you understand the entire situation.
Things have changed in a drastic way for our family. Depression is being managed by medication and counseling. The counseling has shown much improvement overall. We've been able to be open with one another now more than ever. Communication is much better than suppressing the feelings inside. It's incredible how much one person can seem so calm, cool, and collective, yet their insides are screaming. Depression when not treated, is suicide in the waiting.
As for an overall for our family, things have improved in such a way that was never imaginable. Claire has finally felt comfortable to speak and ask for help from her father. This is a huge step because most times Claire avoided him because he was never approachable before.
My work is going very well. I love who I work for/with and what I do. I've never been happier than I am now in a "job". This is a career path I know I work best in. Working in Neurology has broadened my knowledge within my field and the people I work with have been incredibly supportive and informative. I love my direct department manager. Words can not explain just how amazing I feel regarding my work....and home life. Things are so much better than they've ever been for me.
Claire is struggling with school this year. She's working hard right now to try and make up for her lack of ability in certain classes, but we're unsure if she'll be able to move forward at this point. We have her enrolled in tutoring 2 times a week to help with understanding material she's struggling most with. Claire has been having a rough year because her best friend moved out of the county and is not too close to us for visiting regularly. Plus there were some additional emotions which she had to experience which she had never felt before, which made it even more difficult to handle. This year in school really has her thrown for a loop.
Hubby is back in school. He's completing his degree and should be done by spring of next year. Perhaps earlier, depending on the ability to take additional classes. He's happy, stable minded, and has learned how to love life a bit more than ever before.
I am looking into furthering my education, but haven't dedicated myself to it entirely, yet. Right now I'm shopping around per say to find the right time and path. I'm looking into furthering my abilities within the Veterinary field. There is no other place I'd ever rather be, field wise. I would like to expand my knowledge so that IF we were to move, I'd be able to get a job easier.
Family means everything to me right now. I'm so thankful that I've had my Dad's support in everything that's gone on in the past because that helps everyone in my family. Dad even drove out to my house and stayed with us for 5 days over Christmas break and got to enjoy Christmas with us. Words cannot express just how much my Dad's visiting meant to us. It was the first Christmas I had spent with my dad since I was a very young child. It meant so much!
I'm very disappointed with how many people have walked away from me. I am surprised that those who've claimed to love me for so long, took a 1 way ticket away from my family without knowing/understanding the flip side of the story. Just because I'm being ignored and pushed away, doesn't mean that I don't think of you all often. When something major happened in the lives of those who've walked away from me, I was there. I listened to everything, all sides, and gave a chance that'd be equal to or more than what has gone on, on my end. Not only did you all walk away from me, but you walked away from my daughter, and my husband. Giving people the benefit of the doubt sometimes will show you just how much you can open up.
Smile when you can, love who you can, be who you are, never judge until you understand the entire situation.
Friday, September 18, 2015
Blind
Understanding those who hurting without saying a word
The house of mine has been extremely crazy and many unfortunate acts have been made/attempted. Motive of this is my own home life and all of which is the most important. Until being able to see the pain and distress one is dealing with, judging is unacceptable.
I have been in a similar boat, feeling like no one cares, no one wants to be around you, distance is the hardest factor knowing there is family so far away, pushing people away in a very negative way, and isolating yourself from everyone, so planning on ones departure from others lives makes one feel like walking away is the best option. Choosing to commit self destruction means that ones given up on not only everyone who's loved them, but also oneself.
A cry out for help can be in many different ways. If not for a friend of mine jumping on my crying out, I would likely not be here. People tend to think it's a coward move, it's selfish, and it's full of excuses. My heart aches for those who suffer with depression, have self destructing thoughts, and feel alone. I understand it, because I've been there and felt like I had no one at a point too.
Before the situation at hand occurred the past few years have been rather difficult. Between the car accident, tight finances, school schedules meshing with work schedules, being a parent, and trying to have SOME time for family/friends. Unhappiness was all over the home. We would avoid each other in our own home along with lack of communication through everything.
The pushing away was a way to feel less wanted, therefore less missed once gone. Many people I've spoken to about this has stated that it's just a cop-out, a way to be a coward. Though those who say that do not understand the entire "story" that actually happened. Everyone needs to understand, I was just like those who believe that he was a coward.
After seeing him behind plexi-glass and watching him pass out from what is now being discovered as a heart condition my mind went hay-wire. I felt like I was helpless, I screamed for help, yelling on the top of my lungs, "Medic, Someone, Anyone, Man Down!!!!" and finally the two officers who were the ones who got him there in the first place came over. He wasn't responding and they called code blue and a medical team ran over. What felt like 30 seconds and 1hr all in one moment, he was able to stand up and was carted away by the medic team. I wasn't told to leave, but I assumed there was no other choice, being the situation.
Once I walked away, sobbing like no one could ever imagine, I went to my car and called the one primary person who has been my rock throughout all of this. While talking with her, she was never biased upon anyone specific or the situation in general.
There were many LONG drawn out moments wondering, crying, thinking, fearing the worst. I left work early one day and finally answered the phone from this unknown TX area, and low and behold, it was him, on the other end. It stated he only had 1 minute of talk time and that once the minute was up there would be no warning. Once they connected us, he said he called because he wanted to let me know that he was okay--he explained the situation as quickly as possible, and from that point, I understood what it was like to deal with jail and how they operate. I wasn't given any type of numbers when he was carted off, nor was I told he'd be able to call. I knew nothing. Once the conversation ended it gave me the opportunity to add minutes to his talk time and I rushed to do so, so that I could find out more about this situation that I had only heard one side of.
We talked for a few nights, trying to figure out what we as individuals were going to do, and us as a family as well. While many may call me stupid, dependent, irresponsible, and too trusting of a person, I stand to say, until you're in the situation, you can't judge honestly until you've been in their shoes. There were many people who told me I wasn't doing what was right for ANYONE involved. But, again, unless you've been there, the feelings would never be understood to the extent ours are.
When you're able to put all things aside to listen to that person you've spent 15 years with who has done something unimaginable to you, that's when you realize just how deep the love goes. There is stupid shit done EVERYDAY in this world, and honestly I cannot begin to explain just how hard it is to walk away from someone that you know has another part to why this happened in the first place. I've known him for nearly 1/2 of my life, and loved him for nearly as long. I trust him, as much as I can any man, and the way all of this went down was beyond any words.
I've always been the one who has seen the better side of people. I took psychology and really was able to apply that in this situation. I also had gone through all of the stages. Once I was able to talk to him, I could tell that what he was saying was honest. I was able to know when things weren't going well, but brushed it off, for the times that it seemed little. Other times, I suppose I was harsh about it and demanded some type of answers or understanding as to why things were going sour.
He's always been a damn good father. He never made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and tried to answer questions even when he knew it was just to start a conversation that he may not have wanted to have. Then again, even she knew something was off. He wasn't acting himself, he was hiding, sleeping, blind to the fact that she was there. He said that was so she wouldn't miss him, since he's already acting as though he's not here anyhow. As years progress forward I always tried to get him more involved with spending time with her because here soon she isn't going to want much to do with us. She's nearing those teen years and us girls know how we can get near that time.
Moral of all of this is, if you don't see all sides of the situation, you don't understand what it's like to be within the situation itself. Pushing people away who've been there through your questionable decisions, makes one a hypocrite. If you want to push them away after getting fully aware then that's a choice.
I love my husband, my daughter, and the family of both his and mine who've chosen to stick by, not just me, but him too. He needs to know that people are there for him, especially through this hard time. He's not taking anything for granted anymore. He's seen what a mistake he's made and is so thankful to have had the chance to explain the situation much more openly than it would have been if I didn't visit, give him time to talk, and talk with his family. I've seen a huge change in the man he is, he's become the man I fell in love with, and even better than that now. His heart is open, as is his mind, allowing us to know if he has a dark moment that sets him back. This is a huge step from where we were months or even years ago. His once thought of as his life, is now considered our lives.
He no longer works for his place of employment of 14 years. Neither of us are bitter by this. He's at peace with everything that's to come his way. He was very unhappy with his employment. He felt trapped, non-successful, and just overall discouraged by any possibilities which may have included moving up in the company. He's happier now than he's been for as long as he can remember. The burden of his job made him dread being there. There are many reasons why he didn't leave on his own, before all of this came known, but he had no motivation to get out. Yes, there will be quite the section of his experience which will be null to employers, but right at this moment, that's not a concern we have.
We have some more time until things surface, if at all, and once that occurs, we will figure our lives out, together, as one family. We are just moving forward in the best way we can, and we're making the most of every moment.
As of this moment, a lawyer has been hired and will represent him. His brother stepped up and paid the bill on that one, thankfully. Things are stable right now. We're making due with what we can and are a much happier family than we were months ago. His Mom and brother have been so helpful and done so much more than I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to them for supporting him while everything is still so difficult to sort through. Everyone who has stepped up and looked past the beginning of this madness, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful.
That support has made us investigate where we want our lives to continue to grow and has shown just how powerful it can be once in or out of the equation.
If anyone wants to look at me in a different way then more power to you, but one day I hope you open your eyes and understand certain circumstances can place them in a very dark, unnoticed place. You may even associate yourself with them daily, and just don't know them outside of that comfort they show upon their face to you. Needless to say, there are dark, unhappy, unsettling things going through everyone's head at one time or another, but it's the moment that they reveal it that'd show if you can look past it and still talk to them. To each their own. Everyone's entitled to their own choice. I will say if you can't support my decision and know that my decision is made upon my love for myself, my daughter, and my pets, then feel free to stay away.
Everyone is entitled to a screw up in their life. It's just a matter of moving forward and bettering yourself from the situation that got you there.
The pushing away was a way to feel less wanted, therefore less missed once gone. Many people I've spoken to about this has stated that it's just a cop-out, a way to be a coward. Though those who say that do not understand the entire "story" that actually happened. Everyone needs to understand, I was just like those who believe that he was a coward.
After seeing him behind plexi-glass and watching him pass out from what is now being discovered as a heart condition my mind went hay-wire. I felt like I was helpless, I screamed for help, yelling on the top of my lungs, "Medic, Someone, Anyone, Man Down!!!!" and finally the two officers who were the ones who got him there in the first place came over. He wasn't responding and they called code blue and a medical team ran over. What felt like 30 seconds and 1hr all in one moment, he was able to stand up and was carted away by the medic team. I wasn't told to leave, but I assumed there was no other choice, being the situation.
Once I walked away, sobbing like no one could ever imagine, I went to my car and called the one primary person who has been my rock throughout all of this. While talking with her, she was never biased upon anyone specific or the situation in general.
There were many LONG drawn out moments wondering, crying, thinking, fearing the worst. I left work early one day and finally answered the phone from this unknown TX area, and low and behold, it was him, on the other end. It stated he only had 1 minute of talk time and that once the minute was up there would be no warning. Once they connected us, he said he called because he wanted to let me know that he was okay--he explained the situation as quickly as possible, and from that point, I understood what it was like to deal with jail and how they operate. I wasn't given any type of numbers when he was carted off, nor was I told he'd be able to call. I knew nothing. Once the conversation ended it gave me the opportunity to add minutes to his talk time and I rushed to do so, so that I could find out more about this situation that I had only heard one side of.
We talked for a few nights, trying to figure out what we as individuals were going to do, and us as a family as well. While many may call me stupid, dependent, irresponsible, and too trusting of a person, I stand to say, until you're in the situation, you can't judge honestly until you've been in their shoes. There were many people who told me I wasn't doing what was right for ANYONE involved. But, again, unless you've been there, the feelings would never be understood to the extent ours are.
When you're able to put all things aside to listen to that person you've spent 15 years with who has done something unimaginable to you, that's when you realize just how deep the love goes. There is stupid shit done EVERYDAY in this world, and honestly I cannot begin to explain just how hard it is to walk away from someone that you know has another part to why this happened in the first place. I've known him for nearly 1/2 of my life, and loved him for nearly as long. I trust him, as much as I can any man, and the way all of this went down was beyond any words.
I've always been the one who has seen the better side of people. I took psychology and really was able to apply that in this situation. I also had gone through all of the stages. Once I was able to talk to him, I could tell that what he was saying was honest. I was able to know when things weren't going well, but brushed it off, for the times that it seemed little. Other times, I suppose I was harsh about it and demanded some type of answers or understanding as to why things were going sour.
He's always been a damn good father. He never made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and tried to answer questions even when he knew it was just to start a conversation that he may not have wanted to have. Then again, even she knew something was off. He wasn't acting himself, he was hiding, sleeping, blind to the fact that she was there. He said that was so she wouldn't miss him, since he's already acting as though he's not here anyhow. As years progress forward I always tried to get him more involved with spending time with her because here soon she isn't going to want much to do with us. She's nearing those teen years and us girls know how we can get near that time.
Moral of all of this is, if you don't see all sides of the situation, you don't understand what it's like to be within the situation itself. Pushing people away who've been there through your questionable decisions, makes one a hypocrite. If you want to push them away after getting fully aware then that's a choice.
I love my husband, my daughter, and the family of both his and mine who've chosen to stick by, not just me, but him too. He needs to know that people are there for him, especially through this hard time. He's not taking anything for granted anymore. He's seen what a mistake he's made and is so thankful to have had the chance to explain the situation much more openly than it would have been if I didn't visit, give him time to talk, and talk with his family. I've seen a huge change in the man he is, he's become the man I fell in love with, and even better than that now. His heart is open, as is his mind, allowing us to know if he has a dark moment that sets him back. This is a huge step from where we were months or even years ago. His once thought of as his life, is now considered our lives.
He no longer works for his place of employment of 14 years. Neither of us are bitter by this. He's at peace with everything that's to come his way. He was very unhappy with his employment. He felt trapped, non-successful, and just overall discouraged by any possibilities which may have included moving up in the company. He's happier now than he's been for as long as he can remember. The burden of his job made him dread being there. There are many reasons why he didn't leave on his own, before all of this came known, but he had no motivation to get out. Yes, there will be quite the section of his experience which will be null to employers, but right at this moment, that's not a concern we have.
We have some more time until things surface, if at all, and once that occurs, we will figure our lives out, together, as one family. We are just moving forward in the best way we can, and we're making the most of every moment.
As of this moment, a lawyer has been hired and will represent him. His brother stepped up and paid the bill on that one, thankfully. Things are stable right now. We're making due with what we can and are a much happier family than we were months ago. His Mom and brother have been so helpful and done so much more than I could have ever imagined. We are so thankful to them for supporting him while everything is still so difficult to sort through. Everyone who has stepped up and looked past the beginning of this madness, I couldn't be more blessed and thankful.
That support has made us investigate where we want our lives to continue to grow and has shown just how powerful it can be once in or out of the equation.
If anyone wants to look at me in a different way then more power to you, but one day I hope you open your eyes and understand certain circumstances can place them in a very dark, unnoticed place. You may even associate yourself with them daily, and just don't know them outside of that comfort they show upon their face to you. Needless to say, there are dark, unhappy, unsettling things going through everyone's head at one time or another, but it's the moment that they reveal it that'd show if you can look past it and still talk to them. To each their own. Everyone's entitled to their own choice. I will say if you can't support my decision and know that my decision is made upon my love for myself, my daughter, and my pets, then feel free to stay away.
Everyone is entitled to a screw up in their life. It's just a matter of moving forward and bettering yourself from the situation that got you there.
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